Risky Business

Does the gal claiming to have gotten close to Tony Parker have a history of trying to trash sports stars' reps? We do some digging. Plus, what's the word on Julia Roberts' über-svelte figure in Charlie Wilson's War? And of course, we've got a bitchy 'n' backstabbing Blind Vice!

The soapy, sexy plot thickens. Apparently, this Tony Parker-blabbin’ babe has a history of causing drama. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, per usual:

Oh dear. It was just mere months ago when we told you how very relieved Eva Longoria was to hear from another Hollywood type that she’d managed to keep her marriage to a basketball player going strong for years. Well, now some hot young thang by the name of Alexandra Paressant has come out of obscurity to claim she had a tryst with Tony Parker after he was married. Even more scandalous? The big-lipped looker says she and Eva’s man first met at Parker’s over-the-top Parisian wedding, which Paressant apparently attended as a guest.

And it gets better (or worse). 'Cause Alexandra told X17 she talked to Tony about Eva and her bedroom behavior. “She do not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives acne,” Alexandra told the site (in very mangled English, by the by). So, what do Eva's and Tony’s press peeps have to say about these cheating allegations?

“We released a statement to People,” Ms. L’s repper told us when we rang. Duh. We saw. Funny thing, too. The People piece we read is all about how fab Eva and Tony’s marriage is. And there is a line about the charges being false, but why not more? There's no real, hard-hitting "This broad is a nutcase; I never diddled her!" declaration. “Was Tony with this woman?” we pressed the Longoria flack, insisting on an answer. She would only refer us to the original statement. Most odd. However, when we contacted an über-close bud of the Parkers, we were assured Tony “doesn’t even know her,” regarding the accusatory catwalker.

Now, before Eva goes ape-poop on Tony (should she decide to), we thought we’d put it out there that this Alexandra chick has told stories about another sports star before. Apparently, she was linked to Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho Gaúcho a while ago and told the press he partied with her instead of attending practice sessions for the 2006 World Cup, which he did poorly at. Ronaldinho went on to downplay an involvement with Alexandra and said his legal team was taking action. So, it seems this damning gal’s got a history of starting skanky snafus with sports studs. Guess time will tell if Paressant’s being honest or just trying to drum up some skanky PR.

Maybe now’s a good time for Eva to go ahead and get pregnant. After all, with the Writers Guild on strike, Desperate Housewives isn’t shooting, so Eva has some downtime. And nothing helps mend a semirocky relationship like having a baby on the way, right, Jessica and Cash?

“She got me.”

—Houston socialite Joanne Herring, gabbing about Julia Roberts, who portrays man-handling Herring in Charlie Wilson’s War

What went down at the Wilson premiere at Universal City this week besides Herring kissing Roberts’ bony ass? Well, a bit o’ talk about Hollywood bods, and, per usual, we find the following gab hugely sexist: 

“She’s too thin, much too thin,” bitched a super-high-level Hollywood mover ‘n’ shaker who breaks multigrain bread with those who employ the Oscar-winning star. “Julia looks much better when she’s got a little meat on her, like in Erin Brockovich. Her bones are too sharp now, she looks too angular,” finished off the corpulence copper, who also revealed, surprisingly, the supersvelte J.R. was real-life preggers during her revealing Charlie bathing suit scene. “Bitch.”

Now, hold on a friggin’ cellulite minute! We politely reserve the potty-mouthed physique opinions for that other Charlie character Tom Hanks. How come nobody’s knockin’ on his booty-changin’ door, huh? ‘Cause let’s get real. First, the (admittedly, incredibly talented) Bosom Buddies and Castaway star looks like something made of Play-Doh and a Bloomingdale’s mannequin in the regrettable Da Vinci Code, where Tommy was about as charismatic and seductive as a moldy ascot.

And now in Charlie, Hanks is supposed to be some kind of senatorial piece of political (albeit stoic) man meat? A side of walrus is more like it. This just damn stinks. We’ve had it with women as luscious as Roberts who are supposed to drool—on camera, or not—all over their starring counterparts like they’re the most seductive mush-muffins around. What crap.

Point being, why are women starved, plucked, polished and pounded into perfect place for their characters (usually a lithesome something or other, unless you’re Meryl Streep, who seems to be given free derriere range, Devil Wears Prada notwithstanding)? And then, Roberts gets bashed for the sexist privilege, even after the fact!

I know, I know, we’d rather see Julia-babe and not Tom in a bathing suit, too, but the dynamic still exists. The rags monitor women’s shapes, butts, boobs, lips, vaginal haircuts—everything—but almost always give the male heifers a free tabloid ride. We say enough’s enough.

And that we, too, prefer Julia with big boobs ‘n’ a mouth to match, à la Erin. She’s just gotten too damn schoolmarmy now that she’s Danny’s mamacita ‘n’ all.

Two big-time box-office stars are no longer feeling friendly toward each other after Darlene Deviant regularly went MIA. What went wrong during their second on-set pairing...and will Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene's movie even see the light of day? Get the Blind Vice!