Think this Jess Simpson/Tony Romo thing just happened overnight? Yeah, and Jessie's an expert on tuna, too. Plus, other fishiness including Daniel Craig's do-me deterioration and Tom Cruise and Jack Black's questionable exterior undertakings. Ready to dig in for the deets?
Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo

Mike Kline/, George Pimentel/

The tabs are busy 'n' abuzz that Jessica Simpson and Cowboys cutie Tony Romo spent T-Day together. So last season’s goss. We mean, especially if you’re a regular Awful reader, as we told you that peeps were trying to set up Texas hons Jess and Tony way back in May of this year. She was supposed to take a trip to Dallas to hang out with the Texas footballer right around that time.
So, even though Us is claiming they’ve only been hanging out a week, we’re not too surprised they reportedly spent the greased-bird time together and hung with the Simpson fam. After all, according to our calculations, they may have been seeing each other on the sly for five months or so, so the whole thing makes sense. And now that Carrie Underwood is hangin’ out with Chace Crawford, Tony doesn’t have to worry about her getting mad. Right?
Britney Spears

Think it’ll be true love for Tony and Jess this time around? We kinda hope J. Simp finds herself a stand-up man, but she should be careful with Tony…he sorta seems like a player to us. Isn’t this the same dude who’s been linked to Britney Spears and Sophia Bush lately?
Jessica Simpson, John Mayer

Kevin Mazur/

And, come on, after what darling Jess had to put up with while enduring her highly unusual fling with John Mayer (we can still smell the messy fallout from that one, can’t you?), wouldn’tcha think poor Jess-Jess would want somebody who’s, perhaps, not going to mold 'n' muss her before the cameras? Funny, Nick’s the only one who ever really liked her for who she was. Okay, we’re about to cry here, so time to move on to a coupla jokers nobody’s cryin’ for—anymore.

Dennis Quaid

Lisa O'Connor

Our newest celeb watchdog outlet, Desk Aruba, has some fairly interesting news. Ex-pat beachcombers, we're told, on this Caribbean island are two dudes both hitting their midlife whatevers in extremely diff fashions: Dennis Quaid and Tommy Cruise. Let’s see. Denny-boy, whose wife-unit Meg Ryan had the temerity to run off with marriage-buster Russell Crowe (who, ironically, then ditched Ms. R in lieu of phone throwing and corpulence), consoles himself with a new wife, new kids and a posh but discreet seaside pad there. What a way to recover there, Rusty-babe! Meg who, you’re prolly sayin’ 'bout now?
Tom Cruise

Ash Knotek/Snappers/

Then there’s Tom, who is simply turning out to be the biggest-size king round, we’re tellin’ ya. Now, Denny is 54. Think he’s pretty much already through the midlife crap, par-tick now that he’s resettled down. But Tom? Uh, he’s only 45, so it’s fair to venture he’s still thick in the middle of the what the ef am I gonna do with my existence puzzle. Any couch-jumping aficionado could tell ya that. Not to mention the big-ass Paris engagement to Katie and their even bigger-ass hitching in Italy. All very look at me meshuga, really. And now the Cruise-Holmes manse in Aruba, we hear, is equally overdone.
“It’s contemporary,” reports Desk Aruba, describing the balmy base they insist belongs to TomKat. “It’s white and has a big glass entry in the shape of a pyramid,” added the real-estate revealer. And when the Cruises cruise into town to stay in their Egyptian-themed sea escape? Guess how they travel. “By boat,” says D.A. “And it’s huge.”
Andrew Morton

Ron Galella/

Oh dear, Mr. Tom. Where is this going to stop? You’re doing King Tut in Aruba, a place that’s supposed to just be about sipping a brew—nonalcoholic, not—and getting a tan, not to mention on with your life. But you seem to still be on this klieg light crusade. Don’t you realize you’re simply making it easier for the Andrew Mortons of the world? You stick out like a sore short thumb.

Seriously, Cruise is becoming the doomed demigod, William Randolph Hearst, of his time, and Andy Morton’s Orson Welles (or likes to fashion himself that way). Guess it’s only a matter of time before Citizen Cruise gets made, eh? Who’s gonna tackle that one?

We vote for the Coen bros.
Jack Black

Rena Durham/

Jack Black, lookin’ freakish and frumpy. Jack was spotted getting off a flight at JFK airport, where he was chatting with semistudly (if you like that antihero type) John C. Reilly. Apparently, Jack’s new bleached-blond coif doesn’t do anything for his looks. “He was not attractive,” dished one bitchy bystander. “His face was flat in profile and very odd looking.” Oh, those tell-it-like-it-is New Yawkers! Come sit by us anytime. Much more delish looking was Johnny R, who was wearing all black leather and a black hat. “He looked awesome,” said Desk Airport. “Much taller than I realized and significantly better looking [than Jack].” So there. Also rocking a superblondie 'do was…

Cyndi Lauper

Jean-Paul Aussenard/

Cyndi Lauper, walkin’ east on 57th and 5th in the Big Apple. The "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" hon was rockin’ hot-pink pants and a white coat as she strolled down the street with her gal-pal. Even in crazy-ass InWhySee, the white-haired babe was still getting some major stares from fellow strollers. Well, she’s a damn platinum institution at this legendary point, isn’t she? Choosing her canine companion over female ones was…

Famke Janssen

Paul Fenton/

Famke Janssen, roaming around the baggage claim at LAX while carrying her minisize pooch. The always svelte babe, waiting for luggage from her United flight, was low-key in black pants, black Chuck Taylors, a beige trench and matching beret. Apparently, the airport isn’t the only place her pup gets primo treatment...rumor has it Famke tries to score matching accommodations for her pet when traveling for studio junkets. Damn, we doubt even Paris requests perks for Tinkerbell, that nervy!  


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