From Lance Bass’ latest (pumped up) boy wanderings to you, my darling readers, and your veddy bitchy back-tawkin’ mouths—girlfriends, have we gotta whole lotta badass bitchin’ goin’ down today!
Lance Bass

Jean-Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

Thought you’d all like to get the latest on Lance Bass’ love life after those semi-bitter bustups he had with reality regular Reichen Lehmkuhl. (Fine, I don’t care if you do or not!) I'm happy to report that Lancey might have a new man in his midst. The ex 'N Syncer was spotted Wednesday night at East/West, a happenin’ homo haunt in WeHo, looking quite cozy and cuddly with a new boy accoutrement. 

My saliva witness reports the new guy is “good looking” and “muscular, but not in a bodybuilder way” and had his arms around Lance lovingly. Awww.  

Less sweet, more curious was that L.B. kept hittin’ the little dude’s room. I’m told he was seen hittin’ the loo at least three different times in an hour and a half. Whatcha doin’ in there, mistuh, gettin’ hair gel outta your coif?  

Whatever it was, I’m just glad Mr. Bee’s gotten over his philandering ex and is mixin’ ‘n’ minglin' with other supereager amigos. Here’s hoping your new guy isn’t such a boob-tube trap!

Gerard Butler

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Got a guess for Toothy TileGerard Butler. Thought the toothy reference was to his stint as Dracula in Wes Craven's flick, and you also mentioned T.T. had a new action flick coming along. I hope I'm wrong, since he is great eye candy, and a hetero gal has to think she has some chance in hell!
  Sue
  Tokyo, Japan

Dear Boo-Hoo:
Fret not, my pet! That hunka-hunka burnin’ love piece o’ matinee-meat ain’t G.B. Think scrawnier and more Oscar-worthy.
David Bowie

George Chin/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to let you know that your reference to David Bowie tossing babies in Labyrinth cracked me up. Now, all I can hear are the lyrics to that silly song rolling about in my head. Good one, Ted!
  Amy
  Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Labyrinth Lovah:
What can I say, it’s my all-time fave! “Dance, magic, dance! Slap that baby, make him free!"
Beyonce

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I have a complaint! It is all over the African-American sites that you said Beyoncé is overexposed and talentless. I really hope that you did not go there. How many times a day do we hear about the overexposed Lindsay, Britney and Paris? Is it because a black girl the same age group is stealing their shine? 
  Tracy
  Washington, D.C.
Dear Badass:
‘Twas a letter writer who bitched the opinion, doll, not me. I think B.’s fab.
Isla Fisher

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Why don't you get your facts straight before you post your column? It's a well-known fact that Isla Fisher converted to Judaism, and although you stated she wasn't born Jewish, you should have acknowledged that she is now Jewish.
  Rachel
  Matawan, New Jersey

Dear Bor-ing:
I said I.F. converted, what’s your prob?
Jennifer Lopez

Theo Wargo/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
My guess for Botox-Bang Slasher is Jennifer Lopez. She was on In Living Color back in the day and had a few okay movies, but her latest movies are all flops.  
  Hillary
  Clearwater, Florida
Dear No-Lo:    
Think less Latino and more girl next door. 
John Mayer, Derek Jeter

James Devaney/WireImage.com, Marc Bryan-Brown/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Hola, Ted! I have to guess that the behind-the-door activity John Mayer and Derek Jeter have in common is a much more anal one—perhaps a penchant for tossing a salad or two and goin' deep in the nethers.
  Doctor Jat
  Flagstaff, Arizona

Dear Doctor Do-Nasty:
Hmmm...wouldn’t you like to know! (Oh, and not quite that smelly, dear.)
Debra Messing

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Our office guess for Botox Bang is Debra Messing. Probably too much booze.       
  George
  Royal Oak, Michigan
Dear 'O' Wrinkly One:
Not even close, doll-cakes. Think younger and less fiery—color-wise, at least.
Sacha Baron Cohen

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I find it hilarious how put out you are by Sacha Baron Cohen just because he doesn't kiss tabloid booty the way you think celebs should. He's Cambridge-educated and has become famous solely in order to spread a message of tolerance that, as a gay man, you should appreciate.     
  Meredith
  Houston, Texas
Dear Annoying:
Cambridge-Shmamebridge! Who cares where the guy went to college? The fact of the matter is, if he wants to be famous so badly, he’s gotta step up to the plate and deal with the press, the same shallow way other celebs, former Ms. Americas and shamed heiresses do!
Dirt, Courteney Cox

FX

Dear Ted:
I’ve got to get your feedback on my new favorite show, Dirt. Is your world really like that? I’m addicted and can’t get enough! Courteney Cox is great and makes me forget all about Friends.      
  Jeanie
  Gansevoort, New York
Dear In a Bubble:
Does it look like I kill people and torture their families? And as far as I know, no one’s tryin’ to kill me—at the moment. Still makes for good TV, though, I gotta say!
Courteney Cox, Jennifer Aniston

WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Botox Bang-Slasher has got to be Courteney Cox. She's kept a low profile since marrying David Arquette, and she's certainly done the slasher flicks. And then there is the recent kiss with BFF Jen Aniston on her show Dirt.   
  Staci
  St. Louis, Missouri
Dear Dirty Mind:
Nope, sorry to say it, babe, but it ain’t Courteney. Think just as boring, but better as a blonde.
Queen Latifah

George Pimentel/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is the Oscar-nominated actor you wrote about who might come out Queen Latifah? I hope so!     
  Willa
  Phoenix, Arizona
Dear No-Filla Willa:
No. Not even close.
Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson/UPPA/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I'm starting to feel like I crawled outta those rags that are always chastising women for having “real bodies”! Yours is such grotesque reportage—like ripping on Ashlee Simpson because she dared to wear a bikini without having the requisite Hollywood six-pack?   
  Jessica
  Chicago
Dear Too-Political:
Sorry about that one. I made a mistake—sort of Ann Coulter’s birth, ya know?
Justin Timberlake

Larry Busacca/Wireimage.com

Dear Ted:
Please tell me I'm wrong about Preen Pumper! It can't be Justin Timberlake, can it? There go some fantasies out the window—just give me one hetero hunk to dream about, please!
  Sarah
  Vermillion, Ohio

Dear Justin's Stalker:
Calm down, lady, 'cause Justin sure as hell ain’t P.P. Think meatier and more metro. Much.
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