iPhone 3G

Apple

In a laser beam and strobe-lit Fanatsticon held somewhere on the internet, Apple Computers & Pantwear unveiled its plans to render obsolete its very popular iPhone by adding a number and letter to the end of its name.

The iPhone 3G—we're still not sure what either the 3 or the G stand for and Steve Jobs refuses to be part of our Friends & Family calling network—boasts a panoply of new features. Most notoriously, the 3G contains an on-board GPS system so that when you lose your new phone the day after you buy it, at least it will know where it is. Also, the new-fangled doo-hickey will be able to access Internet data twice as fast as the antique contraption. A function which enables the owner to annoy every other passenger on the bus twice as much per trip.

While those two improvements are gaining the most press, The Soup Blog was able, via our deep undercover reporting (e.g., lying), to uncover some further Unreported Features of the New iPhone 3G.

• All e-mails to and from the iPhone 3G are automatically forwarded to the National Archives where they will join original copies of The Declaration of Independence, The Constitution and the Bill of Rights as priceless artifacts of our great nation’s heritage.

• New ScenTone feature allows the user to replace either audible or vibratory ring tones with a powerful blast of fragranced air. Aromas packed standard with the new model are Cinnamon Toast, Burning Tires and Unscented.

• Built-in instant touch screen access to QuackerFactory.com.

• “Always On” camera status allows iPhone 3G to watch you while you are sleeping.

• Unlike the previous model, the 3G won’t make your housepets invisible.

• The 3G comes in several varieties of color and design from a sturdy, scratch-resistant black or white model to a home-spun, Appalachian crazy quilt design to a spongy, pulsing mass made of genetically engineered living flesh.

• Lastly, though the 3G’s initial list price is a reasonable $199, the status value is easily six to ten-times that amount. Unless you are unfortunate enough to be counted among the 2.5 billion people living in extreme to moderate poverty on planet Earth.

 

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