David Caruso

Jim Spellman/WireImage.com

*Check for more updates after the jump*  

Yay! It's Fox time, and Blake Lewis is on the stage beat-boxing with some of his buddies about...CBS?! Oh, wait, sorry, that's not  Blake, and this is not  Fox. There's just some beat-box band with a Blake look-alike who is thanking us in song for being here with CBS at the network's Carnegie Hall upfront presentation. Whoo! I've got my Crackberry blazing and will be giving you the play by play.

I just met up with the stars of CBS' new shows for some interview fun times (coming soon to a Vine video clip box near you), and I have this important (spoilerish or foilerish) fact to tell you: Nestor Carbonell of Lost  is here for a new show, Cane, so his character certainly looks to be doomed. (I also asked whether he wears eyeliner, because many of you asked and I am here to serve and I have no shame.)

Yes! David Caruso (make)fun(of him)nyness! CBS honcho Les Moonves is airing that clip of David Caruso's endless one-liners from YouTube. Genius. But isn't this a drinking game? Where's my Scotch?

More coming...

HILARITY ENSUES (1:45 p.m. update) 

And now the first new show preview: The Big Bang Theory, CBS' lone comedy offering in the newbie group, with Kaley Cuoco and two geeklicious boys playing neighbors. The promo tells me, "In case you haven't noticed, the nerds are taking over." Could be true with NBC's IT Crowd and Chuck and now this. Thanks, Ugly Betty! The promo also calls it "The fall's smartest new comedy" but hmmm...the promo is falling a little flat in this room—no real laughs—so let's hope the series is better.

UP NEXT, DRAMA...

Cane, a spicy, sexy, Latin series about a family that owns a rum and sugarcane business, starring Jimmy Smits and Hector Elizondo, is now up. It has the feel of a Latin Sopranos (Jimmy plays a good guy who does bad things) but it's, you know, on CBS, so it's more family friendly. Smits tells us: "Believe it or not, this is my first upfront. So, I guess I'm the 40-year-old upfront virgin." This crowd loves him. For reals.

Prez Nina Tassler is going through the schedule night by night with hilarious David Caruso one-liners before each one like, "Wednesday, in Spanish we call it El Dia Del Hump. " Gotta love the patented D.C. delivery. Drink!

Sorry, I missed the preview for Kid Nation (a reality show about kids spending 40 days creating their own society—something tells me you won't mind) because of breaking Veronica Mars news but I did catch.... 

Moonlight: New vampire drama that is pretty much Angel on CBS. And I mean that in a good way, as a diehard Angel fan! Nina Tassler calls the star (vampire) Alex O'Loughlin "scary handsome"...um, let's just say I was standing in a pool of sweat by the end of my interview with him earlier today. Hot and charismatic and from the look of the preview, very watchable. Moonlight looks romantic and dark and good.  

Viva Laughlin: Wow. And weird. And huh. And WTF?! I'm confused as to whether I'll love or hate this show. It's a "musical drama" about a casino owner and his family, and they pretty much sing "theme songs" in a way that seems like they are singing to the radio. Definitely the most original thing on TV this fall (except that they ripped it off the Brits).  And now in Carnegie Hall: Hugh Jackman (producer) is beamed in from Sydney (on location for a Nicole Kidman film) to tell us how excited he is. He also stars on the show for a few eps, ditto Melanie Griffith. 

Swingtown: Hey kids, look, swingers! Sex parties! Wife swapping! Is this really CBS? This new drama takes place in 1976 and looks like a slightly more family friendly version of Boogie Nights. Pretty racy for the Eye net! (Cut to: Me clutching my pearls.)

David Caruso just came out on stage to deliver the last one-liner in person: "See you on CBS." Now, hiccup, the entire audience is smashed. Er, wait, was I the only one drinking?

Gotta jet. Off to the CBS party and, later, a Maxim bash. Signing off for now...Thanks for playing!

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