Stink-o-rama, smells like the pissy mailbag to me! Yep, sure enough, it's Tuesday's readers' rant session. Plus, John Mayer seems to be turning diva on us. Could it be all those Bev Hills heavy-breathing sessions with prissy Jen? Prolly.
John Mayer is certainly fitting in nicely as one of T-town’s notorious regulars. He sneaked in as Jessica Simpson's plus one, and now he’s a pro, playing house (more like hotel) with some new Friends. He also picked himself up a garage full of first-rate transpo gear to go along with his A-list amour: a Porsche, two Land Rovers and a Mustang. Guess we know where all that “Waiting for the World to Change” pocket change went. May-babe’s prolly already bored with his fleet of fancy wheels, since he’s moved on to driving bed-buddy Jennifer Aniston's cars all over Hell-Ay. Like cars, like girls. How long have you known this lothario, Jenny? Sure you trust him with your wheels, as well as your heart?
J.M.’s also been seen taking a limousine to his personal training sessions. Once again: Dude hired a limo to meet his expensive Hollywood trainer. And on the way, we’re sure he was burning hundred-dollar bills, drinking Cristal in a golden flute and wearing a crown made of blood diamonds. Uh, thought this was supposed to be a down-to-earth musician fans could relate to? Now he seems more than slaphappy to parade with some eye candy from Malibu to Miami, where Ani-hon was filming Marley & Me.
So we’ve been intrigued about what the hell this Marley flick is gonna look like, since we’ve been mentioning the damn thing ad nauseam for the past few months, thanks to repeated Mayer-Aniston-Wilson silly happenings in Ef-Hell-Ay. The pic’s teaser trailer was finally released online, and we feel more taunted than teased. How you can put an adorable puppy in something and still make it not watchable we don't know, but this awful minute of cine-meh takes the cake. This may as well be You, Me & Dupree 2. We’d say the marketing execs were smoking somebody’s stash, but that woulda resulted in a far more interesting ad.
Dear Ted:
I find myself increasingly nauseated by the people you cover, who seem to be "stars" of no discernible talent and who offer nothing of any redeeming value to society. Does it ever make you sick, too?
Brian
New York City
Dear Old Hollywood:
No way. The stupider Britney acts, frankly, the happier I am. Offing yourself via drugs the way Heath did, now that’s when it stops be amusing and starts being grotesque.
Dear Ted:
Either you have a new chief legal counsel at E! or you've grown a new über-bionic set of cojones. I especially love the Worst Celeb Excuses of All Time, girlfriend. Keep it up!
J.J.
Chicago
Dear Hard-Won Fan:
"Cojones." “Keep it up”...so many sexual innuendoes in one itty-bitty piece of mail, but thanks, sugar whip!
Dear Ted:
You've been reporting that Prez Bush and Laura are breaking up. Would it have anything to do with the new allegations that he's been using cocaine at the White House?
Kathy
Gold Beach, Ore.
Dear White Nose:
Nothing whatsoever (and Vanity Fair didn’t mean to imply anything naughty went down between Gina Gershon and Bill Clinton, either).
Dear Ted:
Tatum O’Neal says she maybe relapsed over the loss of her 16-year-old dog. Did she relapse over the loss of her three kids to her hubby? Just wondering about the priorities of the wealthy and privileged.
Mary
Allen, Mich.
Dear Crack to Basics:
I doubt Tate’s considering her kids while searching for drugs. Prolly all the better for them.
Dear Ted:
Jodie Foster didn't win the Oscar for her turn in Taxi Driver. She won for The Accused and Silence of the Lambs. And I have to disagree with you about whether she is well-adjusted. Sure, she checked out on her g-f, but is that even in the top 10 worst sins most former child stars commit? Look no further than Lohan or Spears!
Mike
Cleveland
Dear Kid Crank:
Very sorry for the brain-fart Oscar mistake, my bad, and I apologize. As to which sins are worse, really, who are we to judge? One woman’s lust is another woman’s latte.
Dear Ted:
Is this Aniston and Mayer thing for real? I would like to believe so, but it seems contrived.
L.G.
Houston
Dear Doesn’t Buy It:
Check out Truth, Lies and Ted from a couple of weeks ago [click the video at the top of the page]. They’re about as destined to last as Kate and Lance.
Dear Ted:
I'm removing myself from this site. I don't like the kind of senseless, caustic attacks on people such as the way you dumped on Adam Sandler. You can spew your venomous garbage somewhere else.
Randy
Washington, D.C.
Dear Adam:
Is that why you don’t do interviews with us?
Dear Ted:
On May 21 you wrote about Lance A. having “such nice legs (and, yes, I’ve seen them up close and personal, just like Sheryl and a few other assorted, as well as, smitten celeb types).” How close? How personal?
Jake
Boston
Dear Hairy Wonder:
Close enough.
Dear Ted:
I concede that you must have that Victoria Beckham-Skeletor troll mentioned in your column; however, can we please avoid the barffest that is Heidi and Spencer and the Hurls, I mean Hills.
Angela
San Antonio, Texas
Dear Toilet Humor:
You’re joking, right? Who cares about real celebs anymore? And who are they, anyway?
Dear Ted:
I remember reading Awful Truth reports that Brad and Angelina had been all hot and bothered over each other on the sets of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I'm having a heated argument with some bloggers and because I can't find the link to the first mention in A.T.—they are calling me a liar. Help!
Robin
Delaware, Ohio
Dear Net Fiend:
Thanks for defending our honor. And yep, originally mentioned all you said—but our archives stop previous to '06, so hideous.
Dear Ted:
SATC: The Movie was great! You are so wrong about that.
Rita
Mobile, Ala.
Dear Girlie Girl:
Let’s just say the flick's in the eye of the Cosmo beholder.
Dear Ted:
Is it just me or is Sarah Larson looking (or trying to look) preggers in the post-George photos?
Kris
London, Ontario, Canada
Dear No Georgie Jr.:
That or the poor darlin’ has drowned her woes in a post-Clooney chow down.
Dear Ted:
Love the new Truth, Lies and Ted thang going on. Could you get any hotter? Thanks for all that you do to offer me some small escape from office hell.
Amy
Charleston, S.C.
Dear Video Vamp:
Thanks mucho, babe! Now you sound a little horny, so, have you thought about goosin’ your boss? A nice sit-down with HR always stimulates the soul.
Dear Ted:
Do you think Teri Hatcher has a chance with George Clooney?
Ann O.
St. Paul , Minn.
Dear Clooney Crush:
As much as I do, let’s put it that way.
Dear Ted:
Am I the only one who thinks Clay Aiken (I'm not gay) is another Michael Jackson waiting to happen? The creep factor is starting to show, for sure.
Pumpkin
Richmond, Va.
Dear By Yourself:
Let’s give Clay-babe a break. Besides the atypical baby business, C.A. is nowhere near as creepy (or talented) as M.J.
Dear Ted:
You mentioned that Angelina Jolie always gets her way. The rags say she is having girls, but I've been wondering if the whole twin thing was due to using IV fertilization to produce at least one boy, which everyone knows Brad wants. They both love teasing the press, too.
Karen
Nashville, Tenn.
Dear Baby Talk:
You aren’t guaranteed a son no matter how you go about it. Also, have you ever seen a picture of Angie or Brad? I’m fairly certain they’re producing their offspring the ol' fashioned way: lots and lots of sex.
Dear Ted:
As to your awesome quandary between Steven Tyler and Barron Hilton for recovering roomies: I would go Steven Tyler. Way more interesting tales to tell.
G.G.R.
San Luis Obispo, Calif.
Dear Tricky Q:
Oh but, darling, you’d have to stare at that puss of his while listening, ugh!
Dear Ted:
Is Furrowed Frank from “One Surprise, Surprise Blind Vice” Donald Trump?
Marlene
Midlothian, Texas
Dear You’re Fired:
So far off. In every way. Age, looks, coif, demeanor. Opposite everything.
Dear Ted:
Furrowed Frank and his accomplice hit on you? I was reading this in the office and line by line, I kept going "No, No!” People out in the hall were like, "Is everything OK?" Can't you just tell us? He probably wants you to anyway, right? Either that or he's as bright as you suggested he might be.
Amy
Dear Det. Dunce Head:
Him, not you! Babes, the dude wasn’t even thinking that far ahead, don’t you know by now that when a man’s down-under dept. wants something, the up-above dept. is never allowed to weigh in?
Dear Ted:
Is Furrowed Frank John Corbett?
Erin
Washington, D.C.
Dear Ain’t Aiden:
Nope, think far svelter.
Dear Ted:
If I didn't already adore you, I definitely would after your kickass report on Green Day/Foxboro H.T. My son got me hooked on them years ago, and he gets a kick out of the fact that he has to ask his mother to turn her music down—almost always a Green Day song of some sort.
Nikki
Gambier, Ohio
Dear Going Green:
I must fess up and say it was more Becky’s idea—she’s pretty much our resident music mosher, the brave gal. Of course, I simply adore Fergie, whom I’ve been fiercely been loyal to for eons, but who B suspects of being in it for the fame. Jeez. What a sin in this Biz, eh?