Chateau Chatty

Oh my, it's very gossipy at the Chateau Marmont today, thanks to a sexually deranged Brittany Murphy and a regally rebellious Charlize Theron. Who needs the Four Seasons with quirky queens poolside like this? Plus, Minnie Driver bores while Keanu roars!

Are you stuck with Subway for your midafternoon meal? Ever wish you could split a Cobb salad with Brad and Angie or clink mimosas with Posh 'n' Becks? Well, you'd better hang on to that sandwich-club card, 'cause the likelihood of that happening is pretty much a billion to one. Howevs, if you call Hell-Ay home, you can always take an extralong munch break at Sunset Boulevard’s Chateau Marmont hotel for some celeb delicacies to fill your A-list appetite. Just take a gander at one afternoon in par-tick at the infamous inn that’s as notorious as its tenants...

A bunch o’ Hollywood hotshots and not-hots came out to dine on the posh patio, midday hump day. Brittany Murphy and her screenwriter hubby, Simon Monjack, sat in the shade, tho almost every spot lacked sunshine on this overcast day. Still, Si-Si sported sunglasses...Is he trying to cover up a hangover or is he just a d-bag who doesn’t want to make eye contact with the staff? Your pick. Both Mr. and Ms. were fancied up in nice clothes, but even a wondrous wardrobe can’t compete with the shiny, yellow shade of B.M.’s sickly skin.

Maybe catching our subconscious disgust, Britters took off to the bathroom for 10 minutes, reemerging to display a face caked with makeup, like she'd just graduated from a streetwalker master class. Girl then lit up and started chain-smoking, even striking a flame for her guy’s cigar, which he puffed on like Tony Soprano. The pair sipped Diet Coke, partaking in the Skinny Bitch Diet: cigarettes and zero-calorie beverages, trust. Just a note, Murph-hon: No amount of sugarless sweets is gonna bring your swollen trout pout down to normal size.

At one point, B-doll actually jumped out of her chair and into her hub-unit’s lap, sticking her tongue down his throat while playing with whatever hair he has left. Seriously, sweetie, you can slide so far down from Ashton Kutcher-type companions to a guy who, let’s just say, isn’t even "photogenic" to the naked eye. What else explains such dreadful decisions?

Elsewhere on the patio, director McG of Charlie’s Angels fame sat with a bunch of Industry types, watching footage on a laptop and looking over stills printed on giant paper. Our guess? It’s all about Terminator 4, starring megathesp hunk Christian Bale as John Conner. First he trumps Michael Keaton as the go-to Batman, now Eddie Furlong is out of his career-defining role. Can we get C.B. to breathe new life into every dying franchise? Chrissy-babe could make even the Saw movies worth a watch.

There’s more T-town talk to be had at the Marmont, fer sure. A style-maven missy, you know the type, dined with two other gal-pals, all the while gabbing about her clothing doings with Mandy Moore and Jennifer Aniston. She was loud and spoke like a texting teenager, and the only person laughing at her jokes was, guess who...herself. Turns out even the obnoxious get to hobnob at H'wood hotels.

Finally, some true star wattage waltzed into the place. Charlize Theron graced the Chateau with her gorgeous puss for a one-on-one fanzy rag interview...for practically the whole joint to hear! C.T. looked all sorts of chic-goddess, in jeans, an olive green leather jacket and an emerald ring ‘round her wedding-ring finger to match. Char-hon had the flu, which she told everyone hoping to shake her well-manicured hands, and apologized. Such manners. I’m surprised she didn’t curtsy with a book balanced on top of her head.

Char talked shop about how normal her and boyfriend Stuart Townsend’s relaysh is—she even asks him the dreaded question: "Does this make me look fat?" Except the difference between Charlie-babe and Stu’s relationship and every other union on the planet is that Charlize Theron will never look fat in anything. This, mind you, is an even more painful fat-oid due to the awful truth that Char hates to work out, or didn’t you know? Whatev. Just nice to learn even gazelle-like gals such as Charlie aren’t completely confident all the time. Says the actress: “We’re expected to be mothers and whores, but be beautiful and perfect no matter what. We’re more comfortable watching a man on screen be ugly or violent or bad. When a woman is flawed onscreen, it’s so uncomfortable...Women are supposed to be gorgeous all the time and perfect all the time. And that’s what made the Aileen [in Monster] story so great.”

Right on. Char-doll even harked back to the Janet Jackson wardrobe “malfunction” (is that dated pop-culture controversy still permissible to bring up in a convo?), wondering how that was “the worst thing to happen in the world, yet we can watch little girls grow up wearing midriff-bearing shirts and be complimented on reality shows for looking trashy?” We’re so with ya, hon. Then again, you’re at the Chateau Marmont, a place that let Lindsay Lohan have a lease. Maybe you’re better off finishing your interview at a motel with some morals.

One celeb who tries too hard to balance exposure and shyness to mixed results is Minnie Driver. Babe was in a black, boob-
enhancing dress complete with baby bump on display back at the Street Kings premiere. The not-so-minnie mama-to-be walked the red carpet with nary a stop to chat with the media. What’s with this half-assed need for attention? If you really didn’t want to divulge any mystery-dad dish, sneak into the cinema with the other non-celeb folks, or stay home.

Back to the stud of the show, Keanu. What’s it like working with The One? K.R.’s costar Naomie Harris claims, “He’s so not starry—he’s the least starry person I’ve ever worked with.” Bet all those zombies on the set of your horror flick 28 Days Later were all a bunch of divas, n'est-ce pas? Working with the undead can be so exasperating sometimes. Just ask Simon and Randy.

How about directing the K-dude, huh? Street Kings helmer David Ayer says, “With Keanu, he’s gonna ask you a million questions. He’s gonna say, ‘Why am I doing this? Why am I saying this?' ” Our answer? 'Cause he’s getting’ a friggin’ huge paycheck, and K-babe’s lucky to be a working actor for a guy who can’t exactly act his way off a speeding bus. Too mean? We sat through three Matrix movies, we’ve earned the right.