Eat My Sass!

Back away today if you aren't feeling strong enough to get snapped at, hope you don't mind. Simon Cowell knows no bounds, as it were (nor do we). Plus, who's more of a handicap these days, Heidi Montag or Tom Cruise? Might be surprised!

It’s Monday, and we’re pissed off. No reason necessary, it’s our column, and we’ll pry if we want to. True, A.T. pissiness is fairly predictable at this point, but it's worthwhile nonetheless. Let’s get to it before we settle our nerves with some joyful java and get nice again.

Riddle Me This:  Simon Cowell is actually going after the wrong prey. It’s a waste, and quite frankly, shameful to watch the jowly Brit reduce little girls to tears. Dismissed Ramiele Malubay’s bloody disintegration went beyond compelling television and landed somewhere between Paula’s slurs and bangles—just pathetic. And what’s with attacking tatt-lovin’ Carly Smithson’s outfits? She’s not into Kitson. How fab. Leave the megalunged woman alone.

What we want to know is why there isn’t a Simon—or Simon himself—swimming after the sharks who actually need harpooning. Couldn't Simon or somebody please have asked last week’s show honoree, Dolly Parton, why she’s surgically morphing herself into Jack Nicholson as Batman's Joker? And I adore my pal, Dancing with the Stars’ Samantha Harris, but I sure as merde know she ain’t going to ask contestant Priscilla Presley the same damn question.

Point being, could we stop picking on the women (almost always) on these talent shows, encouraging them to become chatted-up, carved-up and starved-up cartoon characters? Let’s get a damn panel show going for that, shall we? Call it Who Wants to Be a Mutilated Millionaire?

Slut Sixteen:  A 16-year-old Angelina Jolie posed in a bathing suit and other age-inappropriate getups for a modeling shoot. Yeah, guess the goss rags are fresh outta news if they’re takin’ it back to 1992.

A.J.’s donned blood vials around her neck, made out with her brother, dressed Goth to the Oscars, possibly broken up a Hollywood marriage and adopted kids of all colors round the globe. And this, a few slightly mature but certainly legal pics snapped 17 years ago, is a scandal? More like a slow news week.

We’ll tell you what peeves us more than media outlets treating this like past pedophilia—we sure as hell didn’t look as effing gorgeous as Angiekins did at 16. We were all pimples and puberty, like we assumed every other teen was at that age. Guess not! Who knew Jon Voight had flawless sperm?

Vote or Lie:  When addressing Heidi Montag’s support for him, Republican candidate John McCain claimed he loves The Hills and watches it all the time. Some think Johnny’s full of poop, trying to pander to the MTV crowd for some much needed youth votes. But we’re willing to take the word of this prez hopeful—and who the hell is gonna trust a 71-year-old man who watches a pseudoreality show to run our country?

Next thing ya know, Obama’s gonna befriend Flava Flav on MySpace, and Hillary will do a guest spot on Gossip Girl. At least we know Spencer could step in as his political advisor, since he’s doin' such a bang-up job at Radar mag.

ScarJo Who?  Alanis Morissette’s promo pics for her (finally!) forthcoming album, Flavors of Entanglement, puts some past humps on display, with the pretty poet in all sorts of naughty poses—tons more erotic than those teen Jolie pics, fer sure. And you bet A.M.’s lookin’ mighty fine as she’s naturally aged over the years, but we’re upset. As huge Moriss-babe fans, gott ask why the über-talented songstress had to resort to taking it off in order for her album to take off? Heidi M. she's not.

Is this A's way of getting back into the game after losing some relevance? Or is this a big eff-off to Ryan Reynolds, showing what a real woman looks like, as opposed to Scarlett’s movie-star, sex-kitten schtick? The whole hot-bod angle smells of desperation (not to mention Jen Aniston doing the exact same thing in Vanity Fair shortly after she got dumped by Brad for man-muncher Jolie), and we know something that sells better than sex: good music.

Heard about Ben Stiller’s Tropic Thunder, starring Jack Black and Stiller, among other cojones-oriented performers? It’s the story of some movie folks making a flick about war, wherein the actors find themselves in a real-life battle zone, much to their shock and dismay. Two phenomenal standouts, per those who’ve already seen the cameo-laden film, are Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise, whom you may have heard of from time to time in this column.

“Cruise was hilarious,” barked this normally very bitchy, tough-customer film critic (not I, promise!). “Completely not Tom Cruise-type. He played a Jewish, balding, overweight, unbuttoned-shirt-with-gold-chains-and-matching-pinky-ring movie mogul who is financing the film. Every other word out of his mouth was f--k, and he danced to rap music like a rapper.”

Now, haven’t we been saying for, like, friggin’ ever that Mr. C needs to shake it evil up to get his damn Oscar? And if the following nugget ain’t the type of Magnolia-esque, over-the-top delight that helped get T.C. his last nomination, I don’t know what is:

“My favorite line [from Cruise],” relays Desk Tropic, “was, ‘I am going to shove my fist so far up your ass, my wedding ring is going to come out your mouth!' ”

Sweet. Cowriter Justin Theroux must have overheard Debra Messing saying that at some gala where she didn’t get a gift bag.

We never really expected people to actually reply back to our pick-and-choose poll, (called Dirty Quandary), but ya did! Better you do it than we do, fer sure. We couldn’t make such a Sophie’s Choice of a decision. Here are just a few of your snarky responses regarding whether you’d prefer...

Dr. Jan Adams as your plastic surgeon or Dr. Phil as your therapist?

From Jane in Charlotte, N.C.:
“Can't I just get a prescription for antidepressants from one of the two quacks and pop them in front of Ms. Kidman's ex until he blows a gasket? That seems like such fun!”

Dear Pill Popper:
It is fun! It’s also pretty glib.

Be Lindsay's sponsor or Britney's lawyer? 

From Barbara in Manitowoc, Wis.:
Britney's lawyer, 'cause I'd get money.

Dear Britney’s Law:
Ya don’t think LiLo’s throwing a couple bucks her sponsor’s way to look in the other direction on all those Villa visits?

Babysit Nicole Richie's daughter or Christina Aguilera's son?

From Jen in Cleveland:
Xtina's kid. Hotter baby daddy.

Dear Seriously?:
No Good Charlotte fanatics here, but even we gotta say Joel Madden was a little bit more blessed in the looks department than Jordan Bratman. Hey, the guy’s the lead singer in a band, he’s gotta look the part...Whereas Jordy stays behind the scenes, thankfully.

And then again, some people didn’t wanna play with us, preferring option C, which was not opting anything at all, just as G.G. from San Luis Obispo, Calif., did:

I would rather give up Internet access altogether than even pick through that vomitorium of choices, each as flesh-crawling as the next. Maybe some more user-friendly choices next time?

Dear Puke Rebuke:
Vomitorium? So harsh, girl! You make it sound like we only offered up Teri Hatcher smooch sessions!