Hills 'n' Chills

Heidi Montag, Paris Hilton and assorted bimbastic company signify the apocalypse is right around the reality-TV corner, no question about it. But if you somehow don't believe us, just check out the earth-shattering shout-outs in this week's mailbag!

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel nauseated. The Hills hunk (if you’re into dudes sporting facial hair similar to a tabby cat) Spencer Pratt now has his own Dear Abby-esque advice column for Radar mag. Tho not exactly the New York Times, it’s still another forum for this blond mimbo to warble on and on as if we’re listening.

One of S.P.’s genius suggestions for a guy trying to get on his g-f’s mom’s good side during a weekend with her fam was, “Treat her daughter like a princess—it's only for a weekend.” Come Monday, you can go back to being the douche you always are. How can we trust supposed truths coming from the man responsible for Heidi Montag’s bikini-clad monstrosi-T&A? Guess we know whose wacked advice Heidi-hon’s been taking.

In other examples of the forthcoming apocalypse, Paris Hilton is looking for a friend. Looks like Pare-poo’s old bestie, Nicole Richie, doesn’t have time to socialize with the loco-ite now that she’s got a live-in man, a baby and a few more IQ points. And some boobs. Is this still Nicole we’re talking about? Oh, how things change!

A casting notice for P.H.’s MTV show is looking for “hot bitches and fabulously fierce guys who are at least the age of 21 and appear under 30.” Can’t they just come out and say they’re only takin’ fagolas as far as the menfolk are concerned? And old bitches are, like, so not hot. Already limiting your choice in chums from the get-go, that’s what makes a friendship golden, fer sure. What confuses me most is why anybody in their right mind would choose to be Hilton’s pal, since this is just a watered-down version of The Apprentice. The winner, obvs an aspiring actress, gets to schlep Princess Pare’s purse all around town while walking two steps behind the boring-butt babe, in exchange for some pure pap exposure. Allow us to get all Spencer here, but we advise Paris to consult a mirror if she wants to find somebody she can talk to.

Dear Ted:
"Heath would have hated how this is being handled so publicly." Then why don't you shut up about it? And who are you to call him self-centered? Pot: meet kettle.
  Jana
  Dallas

Dear Kettle:
I’ve heard so much about you!

Dear Ted:
Is Browhilda Frown-Free from One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice Halle Berry? I am trying to decipher your references, but she seems so cool, strong and chic, it seems she would swing that way, you know?
  Kyrsten
  Stanford, Calif.

Dear Halle Hunch:
What makes you say so, doll? Know somethin’ we don’t? Do tell. Ain’t the lovely H.B., by the by (as it were). Think just as gorgeous, but less...warm.

Dear Ted:
I know how much you love to bust on the late Heath Ledger, but did you really have to say that he's been in bathroom stalls with Tara Reid? I don't believe that for a second. Please stick with the facts and stop making up sleazy scenarios. The reality is bad enough.
  Vicki
  Wilmington, Del.

Dear Doubting Delawarean:
Saw with my own sober, hazel eyes, babe.

Dear Ted:
What's up with the Kevin Spacey and Daniel Radcliffe togetherness?
  Barb
  Brookfield, Ohio

Dear British Beauty:
Spazey’s ushering Danny-boy into his circle...theaterwise. Tho we suspect the much older thespian may have ulterior motives for his budding May-December friendship with his Potter pal.

Dear Ted:
Re the Bushes: A multimillionaire, active alcoholic and his long-suffering wife are moving to H.P. and will then live separate lives. So what else is new?
  Elizabeth
  Westbury, N.Y.

Dear Dubious:
For a teased-hair Texas scenario? Nothing.

Dear Ted:
In an article you posted last week regarding the bride to be from The Bachelor, an inside source hinted that the winner is a flaxen-hair honey who works in the Industry. The only one who fits that bill is Shayne. I hope this is true, because I want her to win.
  Grace
  New York City

Dear Not Quite:
The Industry involves a lotta occupations...don’t rule out any of the other desperate darlings looking for love in all the wrong on-air places.

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile's girlfriend know that he's Toothy Tile? I'm thinking Toothy might be working his way toward her ex.
  Beth
  Concord, N.C.

Dear Tooth-Fake:
Yes, and quite possible. But only if he already had him. T2’s in lurve, doncha know.

Dear Ted:
I am not surprised Nicole Kidman's camp has not replied about the photog beating. After watching the video, I don't know what she can say, since she should have known her bodyguard was mauling the guy. His screams were pretty loud! The photog had a camera, not a gun. I think the force was not called for. Is she involved with the guard? She looked very bored at a recent Keith concert, yawning, etc.
  Rachael
  Martinsburg, W.Va.

Dear Kidman Keith’d Out:
She’s involved with her bod-guard, fer sure, tho we aren't talkin' romantically. Their ties go all the way back to Kidman’s Cruise days. Survivors gotta support each other, trust.

Dear Ted:
I understand Brangelina gave more than $8 million to charity...nice. But didn't they receive more than $6 million for photos of Shiloh from People magazine? Considering the money they make per bomb, donating $2 million is just enough to keep the tax man at bay.
  Ronnie
  Winnipeg, Manitoba

Dear Both Ways:
Wait a sec, are you happy they're giving away more moola than expected, or are you bothered the two are makin’ bank for starring in bombs?

Dear Ted:
I thought you were going to divulge who Death-Mint Myrtle from One Wasted Waist Blind Vice is...Please do tell! And is Browhilda Frown-Free from One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice Kate Hudson?
  M
  Chicago

Dear Archive It:
We were a little tardy with our Blind Vice reveal, but better late than never.  And Hudson’s way off. Correct frozen femme's way younger.

Dear Ted:
Becky Bain is so fresh, love her! Oh, and what's up with Kanye getting no love for wearing face furniture, yet Pete Wentz (my crush, too) is a Sorta Hottie? FYI Ted: I was a child of the '90s and Urkel's frames looked nothing like 'Ye's! Yet Kanye suddenly does a spot-on Urkel impression? Why, because they're both black? Can I get my gossip extrasalty and stereotype free?
  Cinnamon Stardust
  Washington, D.C.

Dear So Sweet:
So agree with ya on B.B., and thank heavens it’s her mouth that’s really fresh. Don’t label us racist—Wentzy pulled off the bespectacled look and West didn’t, case closed. Kan’s sweater sure didn’t help him ditch the dweeb look.

Dear Ted:
Kudos to the writer and the column. This is an indeed an awful column and write-up. Don't you guys have higher standards? Guess not!
  J.A.
  Los Angeles

Dear Tom Cruise:
I said stop.

Dear Ted:
How come no one talks about Bruce Willis' ex-fiancée, Brooke Burns, working on Ashton Kutcher’s new show, Miss Guided? Or the fact that she and Rumer were spotted last December at a movie? Sounds like Emma Heming is just a red herring, hmmm?
  spiked3000
  Duluth, Minn.

Dear Misguided:
No one’s talking about it 'cause no one’s watching—at least not for Brooke-babe (we love our underdog actor Judy Greer, tho!). Makes more sense for Rumer to be hanging around town with Emma, they’re roughly the same age.

Dear Ted:
On the last show of The Girls Next Door, Holly seemed to wearing everything that covered her tummy. Is Holly pregnant?
  Doris
  St. Louis, Mo.

Dear Doubt It:
Tho not for lack of trying with Hef, shudder.

Dear Ted:
Is Browhilda Frown-Free from One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice Demi Moore?
  Monica
  Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Good One:
That would make Ashton Kutcher the dreadful womanizer, of course, which he ain’t. Sorry, not Ms. M, though certainly in the right everything else department, save talent.

Dear Ted:
Heath Ledger seemed close to his family. What did they do to help him with his drug and anxiety problems?
  Megan
  Chicago

Dear Family from Afar:
Not enough. Also kind of hard to keep tabs on your troubled offspring when ya live in the most isolated city in the world in Oz.

Dear Ted:
Why are the American Idol judges so infatuated with David Archuleta? His whole act seems a bit ingratiating, or as Cowell would say to a gal of the same age who came off this way, "It's all a bit pageantry."
  Moodswing
  Portland, Ore.

Dear Worship False Idols:
Seems like Li'l David’s no longer in the lead, since any praise for lyric slipups and cheesy inspirational ballads can’t be as easily faked—much like Paula’s sobriety while on air.

Dear Ted:
It wasn't Shakespeare but Sir Walter Scott who said, "Oh what a tangled web..."
  Bruce
  Atlanta

Dear Failed English Lit:
Oh, what fools these goss mortals be!