Take Two A-holes and Call Me in the Morning

Dr. Phil's change of heart on a Britney Spears intervention-type show may have had less to do with Phil-babe’s wishes than you might think. Plus, Eddie Murphy disappoints (and we’re not talkin’ Norbit here), while Reese Witherspoon plays way too nice—gross!

Damn. My more honest insiders over at Dr. Phil insist there is indeed no plan—I repeat, no plan—to have Britney Spears on for an upcoming show. Some felt Dr. Phil's announcement of the same rang a tad hollow. Such hideous news! ‘Cause I just love the doofus doc, don’t you? I mean, after all, the dude who has spewed out heaps o’ how-to advice—on losing weight, for ince—lives to offer all his Hollywood worker bees mounds of M&Ms whenever he can! He’s the ultimate doc dichotomy, is he not?

And in a materialistic world, amid which Dr. McGraw dutifully lectures us to become less so in order to be a happier peep, Oprah’s boob-tube BFF (after Gayle, natch) insists, all furrowed-brow and such, his viewers become less dollar oriented. Then loved it when the good doc gave out holiday gift bags to those who toil for him, as well as audience members, worth many, many hundreds of thousands of dollars. Flat-screen TVs, the works. Forget feeding the masses.

This is why I think it would be with exquisite perfection for Brit-Brit to go on television with Phil-babe, just so he could dole out some of his trademark Texas-twanged life tweaking. It would be from one Southerner to another, right? Besides, not only do Brit and Phil share a similar cadence, they also speak the same language of excess. Come on, like Spears is going to heed get-better gab from Carson Kressley? Actually, that’s not a bad idea, come to think of it.

In any blonde-leading-the-blonde case, the How to Look Good Naked host has, indeed, a far better chance of counseling the Britster back to healthy notions (even though I certainly can’t say too many folks want to see B.S. unclothed right now) than does Dr. P. See, even though McGraw did, along with Satan mama Lynne Spears, try to convince Britney to go on a Dr. Phil show about her spectacular downward spiral, it almost worked—until Dr. Phil’s bosses and sundry producers got wind of the beyond-wacky attempt at “fixing” Britney.

“They thought it was in bad taste,” sniffed those who toil alongside the very execs who nixed McGraw’s shameless attempt at cashing in on Brit’s woes. These sources also claim the complete kibosh has been put on any possibility of B.S. appearing on Phil in the future. Such a shame. Clearly, rehab isn’t in the cards for Spears. Nor is familial foundation of any sorts, save what Britney’s father’s trying to intercede with at this unsuccessful point.  And the latest b-f, a paparazzi photog, just wanted to peddle her ass, not save it, so who’s left? Hey, at least McGraw wants to save the babe’s life, in addition to his ratings.

Pissy P.S.: And seriously, McGraw had no business visiting Spears in her hospital room at Cedars, as was widely reported over the weekend. Britney, by all accounts, did not want him there, but apparently she began warming to the idea of a show with the opportunistic doc. Is this any surprise, what with B.S.’s desperate plea to be on the cover of anything she can scream her way onto these days? No. What’s perhaps more unsettling is how myriad goss agencies and businesses reported on McGraw’s “shameful” visit, yet these very pulpits of propriety have visited, entirely unwanted, on the fallen star every chance they manage to bully themselves into the bizarro chick’s life. Pot calling the cash-minded kettle black?

A-listers Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn are reportedly getting along less than famously while filming their new comedy, Four Christmases. First, the Daily News blabbed the two babes were clashing over rehearsing and showing up to the set camera-ready. Apparently, Vince prefers to materialize as is and let the makeup and wardrobe peeps work their magic, while Reese darts in pic-perfect. Granted, Reese’s mug needs less work, let’s be fair here.

Vince is also supposedly more into improv, we hear, while Reese-doll likes to repeatedly run lines and block scenes. Then the New York Post said Reese didn't like a semiraunchy sex scene in the flick and was "such a prude." What, is Reese crazy? She doesn't wanna just jump Vince's bloated bones and make out with his scruffy self? This woman has no taste, clearly.

Well, the two feudin' castmates recently hit the Smart House in Venice, where celebs like Kate Hudson and Jessica Biel have come to check out their eco-friendly cars. It was a five-day shoot for the flick, and one on-set source said Vince was hangin' in the backyard area between takes during some of the test-drives. Guess the two boppin’ babes have smooched (not for the cameras) and made up. Reese sure has a way with that fake-nice stuff, fer sure.