Oh hell, let's not even pretend this old stuff is new misbehavior. Hollywood celebs show that the same ol' naughtiness works just as well as the new! Just ask Mischa, Sean and yourselves, darlings! Ready to party with the already pooped-out set? Sure, ya are!
Oh, we realize this column is becoming something of the gossip reaper, but I suppose you gotta take your infamy where you can find it, eh? So, for this very first New Year’s column, we’re just gonna gab a little bit on how everything dusty will be new again—and again.
Eva Longoria

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Take that Eva Longoria we originally gabbed about being so relieved (last Emmys) to find out a woman who was also married to a pro basketball player told E.L. that ball boys can, indeed, make for faithful partners. Ms. L was practically beside herself when this cupid factoid was passed along. Looking back, perhaps the emotion was not one of relief but of something else? Just asking. (As we will, over and over, in the coming weeks. That Frenchie texting terrible was so explicit.)

Mischa Barton, Mugshot

And then there’s Mischa-Mischa-Mischa! We're simply stunned you were busted for a DUI and possibly possessing weed this weekend, and we're sure your mom, Nuala, is, too. After all, it was your mommy who furiously emailed us after we ran a sighting of someone who looked an awful lot like you frequenting a medical marijuana doc's office. Mama-bear Barton was way growlin’ that we would dare associate her angelic offspring with the aforementioned weed joint. In fact, the pot-selling place the Mischa doppelgänger was spotted at was on La Cienega and Santa Monica, which is right around the very place Misch was pulled over. Just a tad ironic, doncha think?

Something tells us Ms. B is praying for such small-potato pothead hijinks right about now. Shouldn’t have pushed your wolf-crying (sorry to screw up the animalistic analogies here, everybody) karma there, baby.
Robin Wright Penn, Sean Penn

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Not anybody we know is weeping over the hardly surprising news that Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are getting divorced. We, ‘course, were just noting back in November that Sean ditched a Hell-Ay Q&A for an Into the Wild screening to head back to San Fran to "go spend time with his wife." Sounded all sweet and such, but that was before they were both spotted at the Beowulf premiere back here less than two days later. We asked at the time, why exactly would Sean ditch his duties to be with his babe when he would see her in a day at the screening? Something tells us it wasn't quality time he was spending with Robin after all.

Also, we were the first to break last year that the Penns were selling their Northern California home. We asked then, too, wassup, kooky kiddos?

Ah, don't need to answer, really. It’s as obvious now as it was then. Far more veiled, obtuse and damning would be the following, after an emergency mischief message:

Brian Austin Green

Maury Phillips/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You're slipping, buddy. Good chance that the tyke your sources spotted with Brian Austin Green and his g-f, Megan Fox, was his own. He ain't practicing parenting—he had a son with Vanessa Marcil some four or five years ago.
  Los Angeles
Dear David Silver Fan Club Prez:
So many celeb babies, we lost count! Also, it was a little girl, not boy, who was spotted with the duo…Not to be very Brenda about it, or anything.  
Pamela Anderson

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I feel so sorry for Pam Anderson's kids. Doesn't she give any thought to how the kids are impacted by her marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, off and on with their Daddy behaviors?
  Oakdale, Minnesota

Dear Child Protective Services Sally:
Prolly not. Pam-poo’s never married to these, uh, winners long enough to really introduce her kids to them. Anyway, kiddies love structure—I bet they’d be freaked if their mama ever kept one around longer than the milk in the fridge.
Jessica Alba, Cash Warren

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You've got it all wrong on the bumpwatch biz. It's great that Jessica Alba made the decision to announce her pregnancy early, but others wait in order to make sure that everything is okay. For older moms, this can be well into their second trimester. So, lay off the chicks who make the personal decision to keep it to themselves. It's no fun (actually, it's heartbreaking) to make the announcement only to find out later that there is a problem.
  Portland, Oregon
Dear Officer of the Ma:
Whatever you say, bossy.
T.R. Knight, Katherine Heigl

Lisa O?Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Look, I'm not a huge fan of Katherine Heigl. I never watch Grey's Anatomy and she does seem a bit annoying. But as far as exploiting T.R. Knight's outing for her own gain… shouldn't we give T.R. enough credit to assume he knows who his real friends are? He's a grown man, and if he doesn't think she's taking advantage of him, I trust his judgment.
Dear Katherine Heigl:
You must be pretty bored without any new eps to film during the writers' strike! Wedding hoopla not that much fun, either?
Angelina Jolie

steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I used to be all for Angelina, and for her being herself no matter what—through the Billy Bob blood thing, taking Brad, and even more so with her U.N. work and adoptions from different countries. But then she has this bundle of gorgeousness Shiloh with Brad, and has the audacity to basically say she doesn't love her as much as her adopted babies because she was 'born into privilege.' As a mother of three, I am actually disgusted with her to the point where I can't even watch one of her movies without a little wtf-ing about it.
  Tomah, Wisconsin
Dear Anti-Angie:
Don’t think you have to worry about Shiloh-derella sleeping in the ashes while her three other stepsiblings go to the ball and hog mommy’s love. I’m sure when the li'l tot is in her rebellious “no one understands me, leave me alone!” phase, she’ll take to the streets and pick up some much needed cred that Mad, Pax and Z had since birth. 
Tom Cruise

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Watching N. Kidman’s, P. Cruz’s and K. Holmes’ transformation from chubby, healthy girls next door into hieratic fashion victims, would you say T. Cruise is playing Barbies with his women?
  Buenos Aires, Argentina
Hola, Cruise Watcher:
If he was, they’d look more like Barbie and Ken dolls. 
Isaiah Washington

Steve Granitz/Wireimage.com

Dear Ted:
I really hope in 2008 you let go of your obsession and hatred for Isaiah Washington. The horse is dead, please stop beating it!
  Mays Landing, New Jersey
Dear New Year's Leave:
No prob! Besides, I don’t hate Isaiah. I pity him.
Sarah Jessica Parker

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I think Darlene Deviant and Seymour Slim-Bum from One Redux Doo-Doo Blind Vice are SJP and Matthew Mc. I remember reading that he once said she had "problems."
  Louisville, Kentucky
Dear Hi-C:
Mmm, juicy! But alas, Failure to Launch wasn’t a dramatic thriller, and it deffo wasn’t a silver-screen smash.
Britney Spears

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I'm sick to death of hearing about the poor little pop tart Brit-Brit. Why doesn’t somebody put her in a toaster on "5" and be done with it?
  Tolono, Illinois
Dear Cap'n Crunch:
Ooh, breakfast metaphors! Don’t expect the sizzle to burn out from the Spears camp, especially with li'l miss JLS popping one out now. Trix are for kids, and now so are babies! Theeey’re great!
Patrick Dempsey

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What's going on with Patrick Dempsey? We saw him neglected, not shaved, hair like a mess, depressive. Had his wife dumped him?
Mon Chere L'amour de Dempsey:
Didn’t you get the memo? Scruff is in! And the writers' strike has stopped production on tons of your fave shows, which means Pretty Boy doesn’t have to clean up nice for a while.

Denise Truscello/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
How about a nice solstice present to us: List all the people hiding behind Blind Vice names for the last year or three. Also, and please confirm, some people are just too wild for one nickname, and come through the Blind Vices with multiple monikers over time, right? If you don't, then I'm gonna have to get your interns drunk to find out who's who! Finally, are Fergie and Duhamel each others' beards? Merry whatever you celebrate.
Dear Keep Wishin':
My interns are already drunk, and they ain’t spillin’! (And F 'n' J aren't hairy like that.)
Elijah Wood

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Elijah Wood?
  Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania
Dear Snoopy Smile:
So not. So much prettier.
Jeff Bridges

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Are Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene Deviant really Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger? If I'm right, I need to go play the lottery, 'cause I never get these!
  Trinity, North Carolina
Dear Likes 'Em Mature:
Uh, way off, Detective Ice-Old. Well, at least on one half of the hottie equation.
Dear Ted:
Regarding Eva & Tony: Why is a simple 'it's not true' not enough anymore? If they were more adamant, you'd be saying they protested too much. They can't win, in your eyes.
  Hoover, Alabama
Dear Desperate Dollface:
Trust me. I’ve been in the Biz as long as Eva’s been achin’ to be this famous (and, believe me, that’s a while). Something’s strange here. 
Reese Witherspoon

Jeff Frank/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Dissin' & hissin' costars? Darlene Deviant: Reese Witherspoon, and Seymour Slim-Bum: Vince Vaughn?
Dear Jumpy McConclusions:
Sounds saucy…if those two had ever starred in a film together before.

Naughty Note to Readers:  We may not be getting as plowed as our interns, but we’re off for New Year’s, and we’ll be gabbin’ with ya again this Thursday. Please don’t tell us your resolutions in the meantime. They’re so last year. Like lying publicists!

So, spend the time you would have normally afforded AT on Jan. 2 and inform us, instead, of the awful habits you have absolutely no intention of giving up in 2008—much more fun! We’ll run the best baddies for all to read and be mucho jealous of.

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