Dear Ted:
Do you think it might hurt to be asked, in America Ferrera's case, if there should be more "unattractive, overweight" guys on TV? How very Maria Menounos of you! Why even ask the question when you could have just hissed, "You are a giant javelina!"
Cinnamon Stardust
Washington, D.C.
Dear Politically Circumspect:
The woman’s on a show called Ugly Betty, for heaven’s sake! I can’t ask if there should be an Ugly Bruce? Jeez.
Can you please clarify this Nicole Kidman spacey issue? I gotta hand it to you for being brave enough to risk your life to print this for us. But I don't get it. Are you saying drugs, alcohol, emotional overload—what was she wacked on?
Amy
Chicago
Life post-Tom, darling, it takes little more than that.
Dear Ted:
Is there some sort of gay etiquette that keeps you from outing Toothy Tile and his closeted ilk? Like a pink wall of silence, or something?
Nancy
Jacksonville, Florida
I prefer to think of it as a chartreuse shield of barely there morals, heretical as such a dynamic might be in this biz.
You were once considered edgy, but now you're just stodgy. The Blind Vices may serve to titillate some, but you're so worried about being sued they're indecipherable. Are you only interested in being a rich queen? Or would you rather be a revered icon? You could be both if you quit running scared.
M.P.
Dear George Clooney:
Darling, did that motorcycle accident mess you up that badly? Sure are a grump today! Hey, can I help it everybody thinks you're Toothy Tile?
Dear Ted:
Could Bored Broomhilda from One Anchovies on the Side Blind Vice be Gwyneth Paltrow? If it is, you should have called her Boring Broomhilda.
Sara
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Ouch! Hey, darlin’, I actually think G.P. got far more interesting once she decided to procreate—and usually it’s so the other way around. Ain’t G.P., though, not really that close, either. Think far more bombshell—in a lotta ways.
First time sending in a BV guess. You previously hinted Toothy Tile was born (and lives) directly north of Orange County, California. Someone on the message board keeps insisting that T.T. is Ryan Gosling, who was born in Canada. Can you either exclude Ryan Gosling or say that T.T. was born in L.A., which is directly north of O.C. I don't know how this person thinks Canada is directly north of O.C., but I am tired of listening to the arguments.
Courtney
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
Dear Message Bored:
You bet, babe! Ain’t Ryan, though what an utterly exquisite guess, I must say. Think ever so slightly less butch and a tad (or more) closer down from Canada.
Dear Ted:
I think you should be flattered that Mischa Barton's mom, Nuala, is so concerned about your influence on her daughter’s reputation. I asked my teenage kids who Mischa was, and they said, "She's the drunk girl, you know, like Tara Reid." Out of the mouths of babes...
Margot
El Paso, Texas
Margot, above, and her kids said it, not I, so leave me alone, already!
Dear Ted:
You sounded way threatened by Paris Hilton flirting with your b-f. What gives, is he a Kinsey middler?
Jasmyn
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Perhaps. After I yanked him away from the humpable heiress, I said, "What a great dress she has on, huh?" Blankly, Jon replied, “What dress?”
Is Flamboyant Floyd from One Cosmetic Blind Vice Mark McGrath?
Nancy
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Not a bad guess, but wrong. As his moniker suggests, Flamboyant Floyd is out of the closet and openly gay.
When I first read your insults about Amanda Bynes and her too-much makeup, I thought you were being way harsh....Then I saw her on Rachael Ray. I have never seen such dark roots and so much eye makeup in one sitting! She is such a beautiful girl, why is she doing this to herself? I don't get it! P.S.: Love ya! Never miss a column!
Amanda
Spring, Texas
Not sure either…Maybe the gal’s trying to look older for a role? The Britney Spears Lifetime biopic? Tone down the self-tanner and eyeliner already, Bynes-babe!
Regarding everyone's favorite obsession, Toothy: Two guesses here…Eric Balfour or Haley Joel Osment?
Kyle
Vancouver, Canada
So no to both, boyfriend. T.T.’s way more well known than your first guess and considerably older than your second suspect.
Is Flamboyant Floyd none other than E!'s (once) own Robert Verdi?
Michele
Tulsa, Oklahoma
No, but F2 does actually appear on E! during red carpet coverage. It’s none other than Carson Kressley, such the darling outspoken one, love him!
(1) So, who dumped who in the Heath and Michelle thing? (2) What chemical do you think is in the ever present lollipops Britney's lugging around these days?
Anne
Seattle
No (printable) idea what the ef went down between Heath and Mich, but Heath’s reportedly already out chasing tail around NYC, so we think Michelle’s the party in mourning. And Britney? We'll let Nicky Hilton answer for us: