Why was Will Smith BFF Tom Cruise late to Will's big show at the Santa Barbara Film Fest? Kate was a no-show, in the end, and Mr. C. made a tardy show of things—wonder what's up? Also, could Suri be headed for Broadway? It's time to dish on who'd make the sexiest Missus Gyllenhaal and why Vic Beckham's got the blues!

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

Alberto E. Rodriguez/WireImage.com

Count on TomKat (or the lack of them, shall I say?) to lessen the spotlight on Will Smith's big night. ‘Course, Will was being honored with the Modern Master Award Saturday night at the Santa Barbara Film Fest. And Tom and Katie were expected to come celebrate with their mucho good friend.

"This is beautiful," an über-excited Will said of the evening. "Chris Gardner [whom Smith’s Pursuit of Happyness character is based on] is here. Tom and Kate...this is a beautiful time right now. I don't think it gets any better than this. This is one of those freeze-frame moments."

Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMApress.com

Thing is, it sounds like the Holmes-Cruises—it turns out—volunteered to come. "We were actually kinda surprised, but we're really glad that they are coming," said Jada Pinkett Smith, about their good buds who are known for stealing a premiere or two (Batman Begins, anybody?). "We haven't seen them in about a month.”

But it was after 8 p.m., and the Cruises were not in the house.

"Their jet is late," said a higher-up. "We hear they might not make it."

If Tom skipped on the ceremony after he hinted he'd come, it'd be a bit  o' a snub.

Thirty minutes later, the awards ceremony finally started. And as the lights dimmed, a shorter, shaggy-haired brunette guy slipped into the theater and was seen hugging Will (as Mr. S. lovingly rearranged T.C.'s messy coif). Flashbulbs began poppin' like crazy.

Yes, Tom finally arrived to present the award to his BFF after delaying things for quite a while. Better late than never, I s'pose. Katie and Suri, however, were no-shows, damn.

Pissy P.S.: Quelle surprise, Tom was spotted at the newly revamped Four Seasons Biltmore around 7:30 the night of the awards, so, I'm not sure that delayed-private-jet excuse really flies. (I'm told by reliably connected loose lips that Tom booked the Odell Cottage for a cool $4,000 bucks, for the filthy rich record.)

Pissier P.P.S: And what of that extremely expensive room Tom dropped big bucks on? He never even slept in it and headed for the airport right after the awards show. Guess he can't bear to be away from his best girls too long, huh? 

More on this quasi-sketchy sitch and SB Film frettin' later this week...but first, let's take a look at your truly fretful letters!

Sigourney Weaver

Franziska Krug/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
When did you squeal on Sigourney Weaver as a subject of the Blind Vice? I totally missed that one! Can you give it to me again?
  Hoboken, New Jersey

Dear Alien Alluded:
It was just that the manager of Ghost, the formerly swanky store on Robertson, refused to give any freebies to Sigourney—as the manager felt she wouldn’t get nearly the tabloid mileage from a Paris or a Lindsay. Cruel, huh?

Leonardo DiCaprio

Daniele Venturelli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
While Leonardo DiCaprio does a far better job than any Hollywood actor before him, his pronunciation in Blood Diamond varies between apartheid-era cop, Durban surfer and Cape Town stoner—often within the same sentence. And an endless stream of “howzits” and “brus” does little to hide the traces of Australian and the Queen's English.
  Cape Town, South Africa

Dear Vocal Vamp:
Finally, somebody agrees with me! And it was awfully kind of you, D., not to mention the fact that Diamond’s the bloodiest bore ever put to film.

Isaiah Washington

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
None of the other gossip columnists said you were the one to pose the blowout question to Isaiah Washington. Shame on them for not giving you due props!
  Brooklyn, New York

Dear McPissed:
Muchas thanks for the salute, babe, but hey, I’m used to it. Backstabbing world of unimaginative copycatting creepazoids, thy name is entertainment journalism. Gosh, does that sound bitter? Swear I’m not!

Sienna Miller

Eamonn McCormack/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I'm fairly certain Wendell Waxer from Two Schnoz-Straining Blind Vices is Orlando Bloom! I mean, a pretty boy with false relationships hitting the snow? Who else could it be? As for Sniffer Stella, I'm pulling for Sienna Miller. Everything seems to fit quite well. The wholesome image threw me, but I suppose being cheated on would get her there. Though I also see Keira Knightley and Kirsten Dunst, I'll stick with my first instincts.
  Los Angeles

Dear Knows-It-Not:
Hardly matters, my sweet, as all your friggin’ instincts are stone-cold. Think much less tabloid fare for the latter and a tad more for the former.

Teri Hatcher

Marianna Day Massey/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
So, Teri Hatcher dissed C. Gibson. Who cares? Teri should be thrilled to have anyone want to talk to her. She has no talent, and Desperate Housewives would do just fine without her. Her whining onscreen and offscreen is as obnoxious as her clothing. I say we start a petition to ax her from the show. Perhaps Superman should have dropped her when he was flying through the air with her.
  Los Angeles

Dear Ter-Rex:
Correction. Ter-babe did not diss C. Gibson. She dissed C.’s boss-man, moi, one assumes, because he prints rants such as yours, ma chère.

Suri Cruise

AP Photo/Andrew Medichini

Dear Ted:
The whole Suri Cruise debacle sounds oddly similar to Broadway’s The Little Dog Laughed plot. Have you seen it yet? What do you think?
  New York City

Dear Det. Suspicious:
Nope, but my New Yawk buds have. They tell me the play’s devastatingly on target. Sorta like that friggin’ Andrew Morton book’s supposed to be? Andy, where the hell is that T.C. biography, already? Lawsuit got your tongue?

Rachel McAdams

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Come on, now. I'm usually with you on bustin' skanky fashion happenings around town (the Britney ‘n’ all), but let's give Rachel McAdams her due. She is normally conservative, so let her enjoy her sweet pink streaks without criticism. This is minor compared to the rest of the Hollywood nasty, non-under-wearing freaks.
  North Kingstown, Rhode Island

Dear Haute on Crack:
Don’t know how they do things out East, but out West, a skanky hairdo is a skanky hairdo—regardless which saint or slut’s wearing it. Get a grip.

Jeremy Piven

Eddie Malluk/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I'm trying to figure out how to get a date with Jeremy Piven. I think he's adorable—even when he wore that ascot at last year's awards show. He looks like he's a nice Jewish boy, and I'm a nice Jewish girl. I'm tired of him escorting his mother to the awards shows. I'd appreciate it if you can help me with this.

Dear Sweet on Synagogues:
In my opinion, Piven is only semihumpable these days. You really need to focus your stalker efforts on someone way more mattress-worthy. Ryan Gosling, anybody?

Paris Hilton


Dear Ted:
Paris Hilton, a "serious actress" who is now preparing for her role in a film titled The Hottie and the Nottie? Thanks for the laughter, Ted. I needed it!

Dear P-Funk:
Watch it. You know I live for Paris (un-PC potty mouth notwithstanding), and just remember, that bitch is always gonna have the last (road-meandering) laugh.

Justin Timberlake


Dear Ted:
Wendell Waxer: Justin Timberlake? Sniffer Stella: Reese Witherspoon?
  San Diego

Dear Crafty:
No, no, no, no! Get some brains this week, you silly detectives! Reese? Oh, please. R.W. couldn’t act bad-girl if her Pottery Barn desk calendars depended on it, and J.’s actually talented, don’t forget, quite unlike the real Wendell.

Dear Ted:
I like your attitude about letting your gray hair show. I'm 33 and have been going gray since I was 26. I have resolved to take a page from your book and start feeling better about my natural color. If you can love yours, I'll try to love mine.
  Topeka, Kansas

Dear the Devil Wears Reality:
Wear it loud, proud and very piss-ay, ‘kay?

Victoria Beckham

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Why doesn't Victoria Beckham ever smile in pictures?
  El Paso, Texas

Dear Unsmiley Puss:
I heard Vic doesn't grin much because she doesn't like the way her mouth looks. Oh, and only eating every 10 years probably has a tad to do with it, too, doncha think?

Jake Gyllenhaal

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Jake Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Hudson as a couple? I would love to see that!

Dear Crazy:
Love, love, love! Let's call their agents ASAP and set up lunch! A picnic at the beach, perhaps?

Dear Ted:
Saw you on the 11 o'clock ABC news. So, you're the one who asked the question that got Washington to put his foot in his mouth. Good for you! What exactly was your question?

Dear Ass Smoocher:
Thanks, G., but as I’ve said—couldn’t even finish my query, which was to ask if the cast really had moved on, as ABC’s myriad press releases attested, at the time.

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I like you and all, but why do you and everyone else still have your heads up Brangelina’s butt? Come on, they’re not all that, you know.
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear Seething Jealous:
I hazard everyone will be up their butts for a while, yum, what a de-lish thought, huh? Face it, S., this relationship ain't goin' nowhere...just maybe down south to the Big Easy, how perf!

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