Babes (the hootchie-cootchie kind) just wanna have their say—along with their men, natch—so, listen up to what power chicas like Jennifer Garner and Reese Witherspoon have to spout off about—just like all of you, girlfriends!

Reese Witherspoon

George Pimentel/

At the Children's Defense Fund's Beat the Odds Awards last Thursday night, I was placing my own bets. See, southern sweetpoo Reese Witherspoon and hot hub-unit Ryan Phillippe were the honorary cochairs of said goodie event. And Jennifer Garner was slated to present. I predicted that Ry and Reese, Tinseltown's golden couple ever since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston descended from their throne (and how), would come together and that Ben Affleck would slap the cutthroat carpet—since Papa B. has just done a bunch o' press pimpin' out Hollywoodland.

I was only half right.

Reese-doll came solo, diminutive yet stalwart in in her chic black pantsuit. Deep breaths, babes, Ryan was busy filming a movie in New Yawk. Nevertheless, R.W. chirped galore. Check out her answer to the following quasi-boring query one of my colleauges asked about how, exactly, she chooses her charities.

"Well, I'm on the board of directors for the Children's Defense Fund primarily because I'm so inspired by Marian Wright Edelman, who started this charity in 1973."
Ryan Phillippe

Steve Granitz/

Gotta give it to Reese, who's always acting as if never a meanie word's been said in the world about her less successful hubby. She's perky queen, ya know, to Ryan's moody-boy rep.  And she's well spoken and articulate, too! Isn't that so refreshing in a town where half of the gorgeous gals think being dumb and ditzy is endearing? This brought me to my own question for the recent Oscar winner.

Obviously, Witherspoon's a great role model for young women in Hollywood, but in the age of dark-circled Lindsay, who the hell are the others?

"Well, I love Ms. Jennifer Garner, and she's here tonight," drawled Reese, gesturing behind her on the carpet. Which just forces me to tell ya, as it's my sworn duty, that Jen G. was lookin' rather plain-Jane in a shapeless black frock. The Alias diva was also equally without élan, none too pleased, when one reporter dared ask her what the best thing was about being a mom.

The huge-ass nerve!
Jennifer Garner

James Devaney/

Cue surprised gasp, awkward silence and frantic side glances to J.G.'s publicist. "I'm...I'm not going to answer that," she sputtered. Chill out, chica, it ain't like she asked if you were gonna be a mom again anytime soon. Why so touchy on the motherhood topic, missy?

Ben's old gal was a bit better when I asked her what were the greatest odds that she had beaten in her own life.

"I haven't had to beat any incredible odds in my life," she mused. "I have a loving family; they got me through college; they were incredibly supportive in every possible way, so the only way I can relate to these kids [in the charity] is through admiration."

Aw, Jen, don't be so modest! After all, you did get Ben to marry ya even after the first Jennifer scared the socks off him, didn't you?

Yes, you did, dear. Stop being so damn shy. Quite unlike the following hellraisers:
Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie

Alpha X-Photon/

Dear Ted:
Come on, you know  Paris and Nicole have been friends this whole time, and all of their "fighting" was just some ingenious publicity stunt. Never would have thought P. and N. were such a cunning pair.
  Monterey, California

Dear Doubter:
Maybe they have been, maybe they haven't. But if you never thought Par-poo ‘n’ Nic were cunning and completely press savvy, then you musta been living under a rock the size of Brandon Davis' love handles.

Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn

Art Seitz/

Dear Ted:
Completely on your side. Jen and Vince were never an item. Obvious isn't even the word to describe it. So, everyone out there that is shocked, all I have to say to you is,  puh-leeze. You can't believe everything you read...except when Ted says it.
  Kasey Devlin

Dear Dollface:
Thanks, hon, but even I can get it wrong every once in a man-for-hire moon! But pretty sure I'm dead right on the whole Vaughniston front. I mean, can you really break up if you were never even together?

Paris Hilton, Travis Barker

Chris Weeks/

Dear Ted:
I object to your sentence for Shanna Moakler. I think you reminding her of her familial obligations as a reprimand for the Paris snit is completely sexist and unfair. Why should Shanna be told to head home and spend more time with the kids? I never heard such a peep out of you toward Travis. After all, this whole ridiculous situation came about because Travis was out carousing with Paris—not home with his kids! Seems to me he's the one who could use a reminder of his family obligations.
  New Brunswick, New Jersey

Dear Barker Backer:
I beg to differ about Trav not bein' with his fam. I seem to remember him painting a pretty ugly pic of Shanna shirking her motherly duties via his MySpace blog back when the divorce started. 'Course, there are two sides to every story, but he seems like a pretty good papa to moi.

Ken Paves, Jessica Simpson

Lester Cohen/

Dear Ted:
Have you noticed that with each new picture, Jessica is beginning to morph into a Ken Paves look-alike? See the photo in your Wednesday column...the coy grin, the eyes.
  Molly S.
  Edina, Minnesota

Dear Double Trouble:
Well, my hairy hon, you know what they say: The extensions don't fall far from the hairdresser. Like mane man, like client!

Dear Ted:
Duh—it finally occured to me yesterday, Toothy Tile can't be anyone other than Matt Dillon.  Am I right or am I right?  I never see him attached to anyone, and who can forget his "falsies" in There's Something About Mary?
  Pleasanton, California

Dear Ice Cold:
Are you wrong or are you wrong! Girlfriend, you're so off. Think younger, slightly cuter.

Dear Ted:
So, when do the Jessica Simpson versus Farrah Fawcett comparisons start? I am surprised they haven't already! J.S. sure seems to be following in her "unfortunate" footsteps.
  Austin, Texas

Dear Cold Comparer: Babe, I hope you wrote this before the news broke that F.F. has cancer. (I think I barely made that deadline myself.) Get well soon, hon! And besides, both of those bleached blondes are fabulously guilty pleasures despite their bobbles, doncha think?

Laura Bush

Dimitrios Kambouris/

Dear Ted:
You know what is "whacked"? You saying the Stepford wife Laura Bush is a Sorta Hottie. Whatcha smokin'? Sure, red is nice, but she looks vapid and remote-controlled. For the record, I couldn't care less what her political affiliation is. The look in her eyes is frighteningly empty.

Dear Do-Me Disser:
Hey, Ms. B. looks better than usual. And she's Dubya's wife, not an actress. She's not supposed to be emotive! Plus, don't you think that poker face comes in handy during Dubya's ramblings during dinner?

Dear Ted:              
I'm dying to know who Morgan Mayhem is. Is it Kirsten Dunst?

Dear Curious Chica:
Hate to say it, babe, but guess again, cause it ain't K.D. Think better hair (much), bigger headlines.

Dear Ted:
Considering how much I adore you (my second favorite Highland Park, Texas, native), I have to say you missed a detail. Chris Martin wasn't the only guest onstage in London--so was the wife-unit. You rock! (Though Cristina Gibson can certainly hold her own.)
  Judy Raddue

Dear Double Derriere-Kisser:
I see your points, and I smooch ya back for all of 'em.

Sienna Miller

Eamonn McCormack/

Dear Ted:
Is Sienna Miller our lovely Morgan Mayhem?  Makes sense to me.                                    
  Brook Donelle
  Wauwatosa, Wisconsin

Dear Good Guess:
With all the trouble Jude's ex has been causing in Pittsburgh lately, it's not too far-fetched (at all) that Sienna-babe could be M2, but alas, she ain't. Although I'm sure Morg would just die to go shopping in Sienna's boho-babe closet!

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