Last week Lance Armstrong basically admitted to Oprah that he beer-bonged an illegal drug cocktail for a decade, and people couldn't have cared less. But when Katie Couric grilled Manti Te'o under the harsh pastel lights of her beigy daytime set, the internet lit up with speculation.

One thing people are definitely NOT speculating about is whether the fake-dead-girlfriend story was a cover for Manti's sexuality, because as he cleared up 100% without a doubt, he is NOT, in any way, shape, or form, gay.

"I'm so not gay, I'm like double-not-gay! In the sense that two negatives make a positive, positively not gay! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put on these leggings and manhandle some young male bodies at the peak of their physical perfection."

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