The Biggest Loser is super-sizing its ratings this season by allowing children to join the competition. But we think they missed a huge opportunity to help some famous fatties with their weight loss goals.

Chunk from Goonies

Biggest Loser Soup

Weight: 153 lbs

While his friends are out riding bikes, spelunking, and fighting mafia bad guys, Chunk would rather be eating Baby Ruths with Sloth. Too much truffle and not enough shuffle has put this loveable butterball in danger of contracting Type II Diabetes.


Biggest Loser Soup

Weight: 36 lbs

Garfield realized he'd hit rock bottom once he admitted he was barely able to look his slender counterpart, Odie, in the googly eye. To make matters worse, the only thing he hates more than Mondays is P90X. But as per Garfield's New Year's resolution, cottage cheese is a great low-fat substitute for ricotta, and also "…looks way better in a six-layer lasagna than on my thighs. Am I right, ladies??"

Jabba the Hutt

Biggest Loser Soup

Weight: 4,720 Womp Rats

Sure, he's 600 now, but everyone was a kid once! As a young slug growing up in Tatooine, Jabba filled the void left by his absentee father by eating his feelings – and his legs, and feet. By the time he'd reached puberty Jabba could no longer see his own penis, and resorted to capturing women to keep as sexual slaves.

Hippo from Fantasia

Biggest Loser Soup

Weight: Refuses to answer

With all the eating disorders linked to child dancers, it's no wonder she's endured a lifetime of Milton Bradley-related jokes. And it didn't help matters that a classmate once discovered a marble between her rolls. By adding fish oil pills to her herbivore diet, Hippo hopes to trade her XXL Disney sweats for a career in plus-size modeling…or at least an employee discount at Lane Bryant.

Augustus Gloop

Biggest Loser Soup

Weight: 250kg

After losing out to Charlie Bucket and nearly overdosing on Chocolate River, Augustus found comfort in bon-bons and the flesh of Oompa Loompas. His mother forced him to join The Biggest Loser once Lufthansa charged them for an extra airplane seat on the flight back to Germany.

Eric Cartman

Biggest Loser Soup

Weight: 195 (with clothes on)

Forced by friends and family to confront a growing addiction to Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Smores, this precursor to Honey Boo Boo is perhaps the most reluctant addition to the show's roster. He's vowed terrible revenge on everyone involved — especially the Jews who run Hollywood — but really, how much damage could one little fat kid do?

  • Share
  • Tweet
  • Share