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Whatever you are doing tonight, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 

I hope you're drinking lots of Belvedere and trying to make out with strangers.  Hopefully none of you are wearing those stupid top hats or blowing those annoying noisemaker things.  Try to control yourselves. 

I am at an undisclosed location, and am considering telling the people sitting next to me to stop making their New Year's resolutions. If you make resolutions, you're just setting yourself up to fail. I haven't seen one person do something they resolved to accomplish on New Year's, except get really drunk. 

2010 is not going to be that much different than 2009.  If you're in the middle of getting a tattoo that suggests otherwise, stop now.  You look like an asshole. 

I, for one, think it's best to just assume you won't accomplish anything next year.  Then if you do manage to climb a waterfall or sign up for a pottery class, everybody will be incredibly surprised, including you.