Ladies and gentlemen, The Bachelorette is back.
Rachel Lindsay made her official debut tonight, and a whole lot of weirdos showed up in the hopes of winning her heart. Some of them are lovable weirdos, some of them are just weird weirdos, and some of them need to go immediately.
We've all heard about the whaboom guy, but we don't even hate him as much as we hated AJ, the creepy puppet version of Adam. And at least whaboom guy was respectful of Rachel's personal space and didn't try to pick her up or tickle her.
And you know what? He was entertaining. And he and his tank top provided Rachel with some laughter in the midst of a whole bunch of nervous dudes in suits, declaring the whaboom guy their worst enemy on night one when whaboom guy's just there to have a good time, ya know?
Now make no mistake—we hate him, but we hate him less than we hate some of the other guys so far. At least Rachel didn't hand him the first impression rose or let out a whaboom alongside him.
Is whaboom guy the new Corinne? That's unclear. Corinne didn't become full Corinne until a couple episodes in while whaboom guy has obviously already reached his final form. But of course, he got a rose, so we're in for a ride.
Roses also went to Peter, Will, Jack Stone, Jamey, Demario, Iggy, Eric, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E., and Rachel's first impression winner, Bryan.
That means whaboom guy, the penguin, the drummer, the wrestler, and the guy whose name is Jack Stone will all live another day, like a bad joke.
In an effort to celebrate the variety of contestants we met tonight, we present to you the Bachelorette Premiere Awards!
Best Pretend Lawyering
Straight out of a TV courtroom, but it's the glance towards the prosecution that really seals this line.
Worst Pretend Lawyering
Josiah is not an actor. Sorry, Josiah.
Honorable Mention: Jack "I think we're going to try and get this closed next week if that's OK with you guys" Stone
Most Unnecessary Action Hero Name
Best Twin Peaks Gif
Sorry, that whaboom you like is never going to come back in style.
Most Unexpected Backstory
Josiah had to cut his dead brother down from a tree when he was seven years old, turned to a life of crime, and got arrested before becoming a lawyer! What a comeback!
Worst Penis (Probably)
Just because he's the only guy who talked about the quality of his penis (and talked about not wanting to be a guy who talks about the quality of his penis), we're going to guess Blake E.'s not as amazing as he thinks he is.
An entire marching band?! Blake's gonna be one of those guys who carrries drumsticks around all season, isn't he?
Best Guitar and Worst Guitar
Lee's gonna be one of those guys who carries a guitar around all season, isn't he?
We'll miss you and your Bollywood skills, Mohit.
Here for this blue plaid, Peter!
Best Use of a Foreign Language
Best Blast from the Past
But would you date a guy who was a third grader when you were an eighth grader? We're strugglin'.
Worst Thing Ever
Tickling is pure evil. Honestly the "tickle monster" might be worse than the Whaboom.
We Spoke Too Soon, Actual Worst Thing Ever
Adam, get out. Get out immediately.
Best Callback/Use of Cleaning Appliance
Honestly, how were there not like 30 guys dancing with vacuum cleaners as a callback to Rachel's intro package from last year?
Worst Use of Public Resources
Jedediah, what if someone dies and you've tied up an ambulance for your own selfish purposes?!
Second Worst Attack on Personal Space
The tickling was bad, but don't pick a girl up the first time you meet her, Bryce. (And don't make transphobic comments either, Bryce.)
Best Gob Bluth Impression
Jamey had a real issue with a man in a tank top getting more attention than Jamey, the man in the $2,000 suit with the perfect hair and the perfect facial features. Those are all real ways he described himself!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.