Society has gotten over the initial shock of the Taylor Swift-Tom Hiddleston breakup, and now it's time to evaluate this new world in which we live.
Never again will we get to see photos of the handsome couple frolicking on rocks on the beach, or making out at the Colosseum, or going to endless dinner after endless dinner. We will no longer get to entertain rumors about the next phase of their quickly-advancing relationship. And we have to say goodbye to Tom's "I Heart T.S." shirt forever. The tank top will instead live forever in infamy, stuck in the same purgatory as Jake Gyllenhaal's maple latte, or Harry Styles' mysterious Central Park baby.
What do have to look forward to, though, is the breakup song. The rule of patterns tells us that this is all but guaranteed. There might even be an entire breakup album! The world should be so lucky as to be treated to a dozen or so ballads about their summer of love and sadness. But even master of music Taylor Swift can't write and record as quickly as we'd like, so there's going to be a period of way-too-long anticipation.
In the meantime, why not have a little fun of our own and come up with some song title ideas? After all, we've listened to "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and "Dear John" enough to know what to expect out of these always-groundbreaking melodies. Until the album release we're all hoping for, we'll simply daydream about these pretend songs as we scroll through pictures of the Fourth of July party that will never be again.
We'll never forget the memories, Hiddleswift.
1. "Thor Loser"
Because maybe Tom couldn't handle being second fiddle both on- and off-screen.
2. "We'll Always Have Rhode Island"
And the rocks, and the waves, and the beach sweaters, and the giant inflatable water slides.
3. "You Are Never Ever Getting Back on My Private Jet"
Back to flying commercial for you, Tom!
4. "Dear Tom"
My mother accused me of losing my mind/ But I swore I was fine.
5. "Teardrops on My Scepter"
Where else is Loki supposed to cry?
6. "Paparazzi Picture to Burn"
This is a big job, so better get burnin', girl.
7. "Back to Summer Sixteen"
I'd go back to [Summer Sixteen], turn around and make it all right/ I go back to [Summer Sixteen] all the time.
8. "I Knew You Were Trouble When You Wore That I Heart TS T-Shirt"
So did we, Tay. So did we.
9. "Shake It Off at Body by Simone"
Somebody get this girl a sponsorship!
10. "Everything Has Changed...and It's All Thor's Fault"
When in doubt, blame the movie shoot.
11. "Welcome to Rome"
It's been waiting for you!
12. "All You Had to Do Was Stay Away From the Met Ball"
Seriously, if that dance had never happened this trouble would all be a figment of our imagination.
13. "Should've Stayed Home"
...or at least away from the paparazzi.
14. "You Belong With Thor"
And that's that.
15. "Should've Said No to Going to Hillstone Restaurant"
What happened at Hillstone?!
16. "I'm Only Me When You're in Australia"
Damn you, Oz.