The Real Housewives of Melbourne is just the gift that keeps on giving. The international import (from Australia, naturally), is now in its third season on Bravo and man, it's just so absurd. It's almost unreal. And that is said with all due compliments.
Haven't been watching the (mis)adventures of your queens from Down Under—Gina Liano, Chyka Keebaugh, Gamble Breaux, Jackie Gillies, Janet Roach, Lydia Schiavello, Pettifleur Berenger and Susie McClean—it's OK. There's still time to rectify that. This is what you've been missing. Please keep in mind these stories are not made up. Or are they?
No, they're not made up. They are 100 percent scenes that happened in the show.
The Feet Bronzing
Gina bronzed her feet before going into a wildlife area in Dubai where she and some other women interacted with a sea lion. Why did she bronze her feet? Because the women were told they weren't allowed to wear shoes in. Gina is a woman who is ALWAYS in heels. She even wears heels on the beach—see Gamble's wedding for further proof. So yes, she put makeup on her feet before going to greet a sea lion.
While at Gamble's wedding venue, Gina went up to her room to watch herself on the premiere of Celebrity Apprentice and have birthday cake with her family. The other ladies stirred the pot, saying Gina hosted a party and was pulling guests away from Gamble's gathering. Gamble played right into their hands. But, soapbox time, wouldn't you want to watch yourself in your new show? Of course. It wasn't the actual wedding day or night. She attended Gamble's event. Let Gina live.
One of Lydia's main storylines this year involved her housekeeper, Johanna, driving her around. Poor Johanna. Did she get an appearance fee this year? Hopefully a "friend of the Housewives" rate? Lydia trotted her out everywhere and the scenes where Lydia made Johanna drive her around were just…uncomfortable.
The Dog Portrait
Speaking of Lydia and absurd things, she also had a giant portrait painted of her beloved dog, the Greyhound Figaro. Pettifleur, the woman with two huge paintings of herself adorning her walls, thought this was absurd. Take that statement in. And that brings us to Pettifleur…
The Beach Tears
Pettifleur, Pettifleur, Pettifleur. Just…what is there to say? This is something that actually happened: All of the women just arrived in Dubai and were chilling poolside. Lydia and Pettifleur joined them after many were already settled in. The women greeted them and complimented Lydia on her dress. In a confessional, Pettifleur pointed out that she had also arrived in a shear skirt showing half of her butt. "Give me some attention here," she said in her confessional. While with the other women, she leaned in and whispered this to Lydia: "Nothing against you, but just then no one made eye contact with me. It was all like hello hello hello to you. It was like I didn't even exit. F—king hurts. It really does. I'm pretty upset." She then proceeded to cry. Or attempt to cry so the ladies noticed her. "The whole attention was just like, ‘Hi…,'" she said. The other ladies apologized, but then in their confessionals were pretty much like, "Come on. This is absurd." Yes, Pettifleur cried because nobody was giving her attention. What a world… (You can view the madness for yourself here.)
Pettifleur also got upset over the following: Self-proclaimed psychic Jackie wouldn't "read" her to find where her son's missing birth certificate was, Jackie told her to butt out of her conversation with Lydia that was about their friendship and had nothing to do with Pettifleur, and her son not inviting her out on his date with his girlfriend after she bought him an extravagantly priced piano.
While having dinner in the desert of Dubai, Chyka and her blog received a compliment. Lydia then—and you can't make this up—brought up her blog and said she did not feel it was acknowledged enough. Somehow Pettifleur tried to make this about herself and Gina, well, Gina had enough. See the preview below.
The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs at a special time, Thursday, Sept. 8 at 10 p.m. on Bravo.
(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)