Hello, Bachelor nation! It's me, the girl who recapped two hours of The Bachelorette this season without ever having seen an episode before. I'm back to serve as your substitute Bachelor in Paradise recapper, and obviously I also haven't seen an episode of that show.
But I can tell I'm going to like it just because of the opening credits alone. The cheesy sitcom style shows that everyone—from the producers to the contestants—knows exactly how silly this show is and they're going to have fun with it and enjoy their Mexican vacation.
We immediately picked up with one couple whose names I don't know talking about being together while one chick ate a tostada and talked smack about them. Then the girl from the couple decided to leave. But I think the smack talker is Ashley, whom I've decided I like because Twitter told me last night that her favorite band is Hanson and that is also my favorite band. Sorry, other lady, I'm on Ashley's side.
"I feel like everybody in the world needs a Jared," Ashley lamented. Maybe everybody in the world CAN have a Jared, because I feel like there have been a lot of dudes named Jared on the show so the casting department can probably hook you up. (There might've only been one Jared but every guy looks like they could be named Jared so it still holds.)
Unfortunately, Ashley can't have this Jared because as the other chick was leaving in a very slow-moving van, Jared ran after her and got into the car. And then they were gone (to live happily ever after?). Side note: I'm not actually sure what the point of this show is? People kiss and cry and then willingly leave a free tropical vacation?
Ashley was really sad because she clearly loves Jared but she pulled it together and flirted with a man in a white T-shirt and a puka necklace (which I also know from Twitter is actually the microphone). His name was Wells, and I think he was in that episode of The Bachelorette I watched because I re-read it and I definitely mentioned a guy named Wells. Now two chicks (Ashley and another lady) are sort of fighting over him.
But wait, there's more: Two more ladies joined the show, one of them the group called "the Russian chick," which, I mean, if even the people on the show don't know her by name… (It's actually Shushanna.)
Shushanna hit on Wells, which upset other lady who liked him (who then declared she understood how Ashley felt about Jared). But he Shushanna went on a double date with the other very attractive new girl and a very attractive buff man (yes, literally everyone on this show is hot…but that's the whole point, right?). For some reason, the editors blacked out Shushanna's skimpy bikini bottom but I suspect it really wasn't that revealing. It looked like a pretty normal bathing suit bottom but oh well.
Buff man (who is named Brett) and other new girl (who is Lauren H.) made out. Wells and Shushanna also made out. And so did some other couples whose names I don't know. Good for them. Hot people should totally hook up with each other.
Wells' whole love triangle situation is definitely not resolved, but we'll have to wait until next week to find out who he picks.
We then revisited a fight that happened involving new Bachelor Nick Viall and a guy named Josh, which the Bachelor in Paradise editors doctored with a fuzzy filter that made me laugh. So that's how flashbacks work in Bachelor nation!
Now that we were reminded of that moment, Josh gave Amanda a card to ask her on a date. She said in her talking head interview that she was so interested in him she'd thought about a possible engagement, which seems like a lot but let's be real—I have no idea how long they've actually known each other.
On their date, Josh told her he was falling in love with her and wanted to take their Paradise relationship into real life. Then they kissed and watched fireworks, because I have learned in my two brief viewings that nothing is subtle in Bachelor nation. Good luck, kids! Wish you all the best!
Next week on Bachelor in Paradise: more crying, more people talking about love, and the "shocking two-night finale you can't miss" with "multiple proposals." Naturally. Check it out Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.