So, when the Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo author appeared on his Sirius XM radio show Tuesday, Stern seized the opportunity to ask her about it. Repeatedly. And even though Schumer felt a bit under the weather, she gamely answered the shock jock's questions. "I had bronchitis so bad I fractured my own rib," she said. "Still, every time I sneeze, it re-injures it."
It wasn't long before the conversation turned X-rated. Schumer joked that she's "the laziest" person to hook up with, telling Stern, "When it comes to sex, I lay there like I'm going to get a CAT scan so I'm not pleasing anyone. You know when you start dating someone, you're like, 'I love giving head?' I don't know what it is. I was just too busy. Too tired. No lies. Too busy." Her boyfriend, Ben Hanisch, doesn't pressure her to do anything she's uncomfortable with, either. "We love having sex with each other, but there's no performing," she vowed. "He's so sweet."
Schumer also said she and Hanisch have sex "every day." Recently, though, it's been an issue. "You know what not sexy?" she asked. "Having sex with a girl whose ribs hurt. That's not hot."
The actress wasn't done talking about their sex life, as she freely offered up explicit details (like where she prefers to have her boyfriend ejaculate). Though her candor might've made some listeners blush, Schumer promised their romps are nothing like what they'd see in a rap video.
In her book, Schumer wrote about two of the most traumatic experiences of her life: being raped as teenager and being in an abusive relationship as a young adult. Understandably, the Emmy-winning Inside Amy Schumer star now has "trust issues" with men—including Hanisch.
"I know logically that he's not [going to hurt me]. It's not who he is," she explained. "But I do have moments where I get afraid, and it's all my own stuff. He's the most gentle [guy]. He only wants to take care of me. But yeah, I'll get some sort of little bit of a flashback and kind of freak out. That's happened just one with us, but it's really upsetting to me that it's still part of my DNA." But talking about those experiences with Hanisch "probably helped us get closer."
Schumer isn't only close with Hanisch—the comedienne has also become close with his Illinois-based family. "His parents are the sweetest people. They are from the Midwest. They're just the happiest. His mom just always seems like she was just called down as a contestant on The Price Is Right. She's so nice and she sends me nice notes. They're just the loveliest people," she said, adding, "I lucked out. I really like his mom so much. I feel like a lot of guys you date, the mom has a vibe with the son, like, 'I wanted to f--k my son!' You know? It's true! She'll almost flirt with her son, and then as a girlfriend you have to be like, 'Oh, yeah. That's so unfair.' It's just like, ew! But it's not like that. I don't even think she's attracted to him. No offense to him."
Hanisch has yet to meet Schumer's parents ("I don't know that that's in the cards," she admitted), but they have talked about having children together. Sort of. "We've talked about that we don't want to talk about it for two years. It's just like…then you have to take care of them, the kids," Schumer said. "I don't even have a plant! I cant. I'm not going to water that."