Do you ever just have one of those days where you see a reality show star crying her face off, and instead of laughing at her and basking in the drama, you just want to cry along with her?
We felt for Ashley tonight. We felt her love for Jared. We didn't understand how it was still so strong and persistent, and as we said last week, we're totally over Jared, but we felt that her love was truly there. Few things hurt more than finding out that the fantasy you've spent way too much time building up in your head will never ever come true. We personally have spent a lot of time fantasizing about a lot of things that will never be, like Zac Efron taking us out for pizza to celebrate our Olympic gold medals, and we know it's hard to accept reality's cold, hard slap in the face.
We believe in Ashley, in spite of everything, and we think there's a chance for her to finally find someone to love who isn't Jared. Jared is trash. Let him go, girl. But like we also hope she continues to try and send Caila on dates, because that was hilarious.
Let's go back a bit.
Ashley was obviously sent home with no rose at the rose ceremony, thanks to Canadian Daniel choosing to save the twins with his own rose (despite Sarah baking him half a goddamn cake to celebrate his half birthday?!). Ashley, however, asked the group if she could stay for another chance, with a new page turned, and they agreed.
Ashley actually put her most Ashley-like tendencies on hold for a bit in favor of some scheming when two new guys, whose faces and names could not have been any less familiar to us, arrived on the beach. The first was Carl, whose face and tattoos were incredibly attractive to at least one of the twins. It cannot be that anyone on The Bachelorette has ever been named Carl before. We were sure of that, but apparently we don't know anything anymore.
Then came Brett, lamp in hand. We had forgotten this, but apparently he showed up to Andi Dorfman's season holding a lamp, so he thought he'd recreate that success on another show.
Izzy (who?) was the first to admit that she found Lamp Man very attractive, but then Lamp Man went after Caila. He was about to abandon his feelings for Caila, until Ashley pointed out that she was here last year, and she knows better than anybody that any couple could combust at any time. So Lamp Man asked Caila on a date, Caila said yes, and Ashley's evil plan was starting to work.
After talking to Jared, Caila couldn't decide if she wanted to go on the date. She first said she'd stay and hang out with Jared, and then she said she was unsure about her feelings, and then she said she would go on the date, aaaand then she said she'd stay, and then she told Lamp Man she'd go, and then she decided to stay, and then she suddenly decided to go again. She literally changed her mind that many times, and it was amazing.
"That's kinda my MO," she told Lamp Man, and all we can do is imagine what a season of The Bachelorette starring Caila would have been like. (Bad. It would have been bad.)
Anyway, she did end up going on the date, and Jared became the new Ashley as he moped around, with only Ashley to comfort him. Ashley's plan was working perfectly on the beach, but not on the booze cruise where Caila should have been living it up with Brett.
Instead, Brett and Caila were watching Emily and Carl give each other lap dances while Caila filled with more and more regret.
"I should have been more decisive earlier," Caila said. Gee, ya think?
Caila returned to the beach and told Jared she shouldn't have gone on the date, while Ashley watched her plan fall apart, along with all her plans to not fall apart. But at least she knows she has a problem?
Meanwhile, Izzy (still, who?) couldn't stop staring at Lamp Man, who was apparently the physical representation of her perfect guy. She told him so, and then told Vinny she was having doubts. Vinny was deeply, deeply troubled by this news.
"How did the lamp guy break up the strongest couple in the house?" Carly wondered, as did we, though Carly's been a giant question mark to us ever since she decided she's all into Evan.
Vinny was just about ready to leave, but he wanted to talk to Izzy first…and that's where our good old friend To Be Continued came in.
Elsewhere, Grant told Lace he loved her, and as happy as we are, consider us thoroughly shocked by how well those two are doing.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.