That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong.
Sisqo's profound words really hit home as I stood before a mound of underwear of all shapes, colors and materials: G-strings, lace, lacy straps, thin strips, mesh knitting, mesh crotches…it looked like a Victoria's Secret sample sale on my desk.
For whatever the reason, I missed the thong train growing up. I tried one in middle school and hated it—pass on the perpetual wedgie, thanks. I figured only celebs and music video vixens wear uncomfortable undies…until, that is, a slew of E! News staffers shared they wear thongs Every. Single. Day.
Apparently, today's thongs and the ones from my teens are not made one in the same. I needed to know if celebs (and my co-workers) were on to something, and so my deep dive into underwear commenced.
Whether you cringe at the thought of a string holding your undergarments together or flaunt your favorite pair on Instagram, here's a guide to thongs beginners and enthusiasts alike will appreciate.
Workout Wear Wonders: Thank the fashion gods for athleisure, a.k.a. clothing built for functionality and comfort. Those dipping their toes in the thong pool should give workout iterations a whirl for everyday wear. The good ones are usually made out of some nylon-spandex blend (for breathability), seamless (no visible panty lines) and have a padded lining (less wedgies). It's made for you to move and, therefore, more comfortable. Bonus: Typically workout thongs are machine-washable (yep, you just spent less time hand-washing your delicates).
Find the Right Cut for Your Body: The main reason for discomfort? Those bottoms don't fit properly. For instance, I have larger hips, which will anchor a low-rise thong better and help with any camel toe action. Or if you have you a longer torso, opt for a high-cut option, which is more narrow in the crotch area.
Fabric Favorites: Just like with all types of underwear, you don't want a thong that will sag when in contact with heat or moisture. Just because a cotton tee is super comfy doesn't mean it makes sense to cover your precious parts. Cotton, polyester and especially mesh will eventually sag as you sweat, creating a breeding ground for bacteria.
Seamless for the Win: In my unofficial poll of the office, most people wear thongs to prevent visible panty lines (VPL). But if you're looking for comfort, a seamless choice (read: no uneven edges created by thread) is your best bet. Typically, seamless underwear will be basic in design but get you the most mileage in terms of functionality. The no-frills nature of it also makes it pretty comfortable.
Straps Can Shape You: Not only do you have to worry about sizing but the width and design of the straps holding the piece together will also affect the way it looks on your body. Multiple straps are all the rage right now (and super sexy); however, if they are too thin and small for you, it can cut into your body, creating visible indentations (imagine a muffin top becoming a bag of King's Hawaiian Dinner Rolls). Elastic bands that's that are too tight will also have the same effect. A good rule of thumb: The larger the strap, the more comfortable it'll sit on your hips. If you want to be fancy, delicate lace straps work wonders to complement any love handles.
More Expensive Is Not Always Better: You could pay $300 for a satin thong, hand embroidered with Italian lace, but would it be worth it? Like quality negligee, luxe thongs are oftentimes best left in the boudoir and when you want to feel good. Satin can wrinkle easily, which you'll be able to see if you're wearing something tight on top. Not to mention, satin also does not absorb moisture well. Pretty but not practical.
Was this too much information on thongs? Perhaps. Is it all necessary to know? Absolutely.
Carbon 38 Jackie Low-Rise Thong With Camel No, $26; Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Cutout Mesh Thong Panty, $14.50; Felina Treasure Thong, $8.40; Blush Smolder Thong, $32; La Perla Maison Thong, $244