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Bachelor in Paradise

Rick Rowell/ABC

Bachelor in Paradise had a tough job to do tonight. 

We were fairly certain there was no way the way cooler baby of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette could ever top what it gave us last night, from the pizza to the belly button drinking to every cringey thing Evan did, and we were right so far.

Tonight's episode didn't quite make it to last night's very high bar, but perhaps it would have if it also had two hours to get there.

First, we had Ashley's arrival, which was everything we expected but so much more, and so much better.

After she informed Chris Harrison that she was only going to cry three times this season, she was, of course, upset to find that Jared was all wrapped up in Caila. What we could not have predicted was that it was Caila in particular that she was upset about. Apparently, Caila had promised Ashley that a) she wasn't going to Paradise, and b) if she ever had the opportunity, she wouldn't hook up with Jared. Caila promised her Jared wasn't even her type!

At first, that sounded like a bit of a stretch on Ashley's part, but Caila basically admitted it and even apologized. It wasn't nearly enough of an apology for breaking both her promise and the girl code, and it was such a rude thing to do in the first place that we went from having no real opinion of Caila to deciding Caila might be sort of evil.

Bachelor in Paradise GIF

ABC

Most of the girls were on Caila's side, but only because they had no idea what the real story was. She told Jared some of it, and the poor guy was understandably frustrated. He helped Ashley decide to ask Daniel on a date, and she had a great time (even though they brought in some Aztec warriors to pretend to enact a virgin sacrifice, and even though Daniel's way too into the idea of deflowering Ashley), which lasted all of about five minutes before she was crying again.

And then it turned out Jared was not really concerned about Ashley, or about how very hard Caila lied to Ashley. He was just worried that Ashley made Caila feel uncomfortable or like she should question her relationship with him.

Nick sat down with Ashley to drop some truthbombs like "you will never ever be with Jared," but she believed she was in love and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

She pulled Jared aside before the rose ceremony and was basically like, why don't you love me? Jared is too nice to just be like, "I just don't, you're my friend, I won't love you, and you have to get over it," which is what he really needs to do, and in fact we're tired of Jared. Jared's very good at leading everyone on and making everyone feel like he could love them someday instead of just being honest. That's a crappy way to be. We're done with Jared. He's not that great!

Bachelor in Paradise GIF

ABC

Elsewhere tonight, Evan continued to be just the most Evan. While Carly wondered if his illness was faked in order to get her into his bed, a medic told Evan he needed to go to the hospital because his ankles were swollen. He saw this as the perfect opportunity for a date, and kinda conned Carly into coming with him. She had fun looking into his ear, while he sat there calmly, enjoying the hell out of all of it.

Since he wasn't saying anything weird or awkward, Carly found herself attracted to him again. These two are a mess.

Back on the beach, Jen (who?) showed up, and Nick was immediately swept off his feet, thanks to her pick up lines about dolphins having sex for pleasure. Then they got chased off the beach by a bunch of crabs. Good times!

Just as the background music and general situation promised to make the rose ceremony literally the most dramatic thing we've ever seen, the episode ended, and we almost cried. We're so spoiled by two hour episodes, guys.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.