Let's be real—Amy Schumer has never been one to dance around the truth, and she's never been one to shy away from sharing some TMI moments.
So when we learned the funnywoman was releasing a candid memoir called The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, we knew it was going to be good. And boy, did she deliver.
Sprinkled with her famous humor, Schumer's book provides comical anecdotes that makes it feel like you're chatting with your bestie while downing a pint of ice cream and bottle of wine (yes, both at the same time), while also touching on some very intimate and dark moments that may raise your eyebrows in a different way than you're used to when it comes to Schumer.
While there's just too much to share, we did highlight five things we learned from her book, which hits newsstands today:
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1. Her Sex Number: Schumer dedicated an entire chapter to fun facts you didn't know about her, and listed 44 "Things You Don't Know About Me," and one of those things just so happened to be the number of people she's slept with. "To date, I've slept with twenty-eight people. I can't remember all of their names, but I remember the nicknames I gave them (Third Ball, Pit Bull Guy, Cousin Steve—JKJKJKJK)." (pg. 95)
2. She Was in An Abusive Relationship: The comedienne recalled a very dark chapter of her life when she became involved in an unhealthy relationship with a man identified as Dan in the book.
"It proceeded to get worse and worse, and I started escaping the apartment whenever I could. I'd go to Starbucks, lock myself in the bathroom, and sit on the floor and cry. I knew I should go back to the East Coast, but I thought no one would ever love me as much as he did. I believed he was just as passionate about me as I was about him, and that if I did a better job of not making him mad, we'd be fine. I really felt he loved me. And I really loved him.
"I think somewhere in the course of our relationship, I started to confuse his anger and aggression for passion and love. I actually started to think that real love was supposed to look like that. The more you yelled at each other, the more you loved each other. The more physical an demeaning it got, the more you were really getting through to each other. And the more I was willing to stand by him, the more he'd understand I truly loved him and that we should be together forever." (pg. 176)
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3. Her Mother Had an Affair With Her Best Friend's Father: Schumer spoke about the moment that one of her dearest friendships came to an end, because the actress' mom fell in love with her best friend's dad (while still married to Schumer's father).
Amy explained that one day she came home to find her mother extremely distraught, and that's when she found out what was going on. "Because she couldn't communicate vocally, she had to sign it to me. Since she is a teacher of the deaf, we all know a good amount of sign language in my family. Slowly, her hands trembling, she rose and signed to me, 'I am leaving your father. Lou and I have fallen in love with each other.' I signed the world, 'again' because I needed her to repeat herself. Again she signed, 'I am leaving your father. Lou and I have fallen in love with each other.'" (pg. 229)
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4. Things She Hates: Schumer also touches on a lot of things she can't stand (36 things to be exact) and one of them includes trying to talk to her in an elevator. "Talking to anyone I don't know on an elevator. (I guess this counts as small talk, which i've mentioned several times as something I detest, but it's even more unbearable in an elevator because you're trapped!)." (pg. 188)
5. She Thought Her Sex Tape Leaked: Upon arrival from being outside of the country, Schumer was greeted by numerous texts from her publicist trying to get a hold of her. She initially thought a sex tape had leaked, and was prepared to calm her publicist down by telling her she didn't care. However, what actually happened made her care. A lot.
"Then she said, 'There was a shooting in a theater in Lafayette, Louisiana at a showing of Trainwreck.' My heart broke right then and there. I mean it. The only other times I felt sadness that heavy in my life were after a surfing accident when I was sure I was losing my leg, and upon hearing of the deaths of a couple of close friends. The news crushed me." (pg. 274)