The Battle of the September Covers: Who Did It Better, Kendall or Kimye?

Only one person can claim the top September cover.

By Seija Rankin Aug 11, 2016 7:17 PMTags
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It's a family feud, y'all!

It's September issue season in the magazine world, which means that new covers are being released almost daily. Getting to front one of these storied issues is a highly coveted role, and one that is not taking lightly. As such, you can imagine our surprise, dismay and utter glee when Kendall Jenner's Vogue cover was released today. Sure, it's a milestone for the young model, blah blah, but more importantly it meant that we had a true battle on our hands.

Yes, our giggles came in the form of excitement for an imaginary showdown among family members, for just last week it was revealed that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West scored the cover of Harper's Bazaar UK. Oh, snap.

In a perfect world, we would congratulate all involved parties on this wonderful career milestone, appreciate the symbolic gesture of their paralleled success, and move on with our lives. But we don't live in a perfect world, we live in one where we feel an innate drive to pit these two covers against each other to find the true winner. Let's begin.

read
Kendall Jenner Covers Vogue's Coveted September Issue

Collaborator Star Power: 
Everyone knows that a September issue cover is only as big as the people who are working on it, or something like that. Kendall was photographed by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggot, a duo who are renowned in the fashion industry and often in the employ of Vogue, and she was interviewed by Jonathan Van Meter, another perennial favorite of the magazine and a holder of the Vogue-favored three-name name. (Rumor has it aspiring fashion assistants have even added a fake "Van" to their resumés just to fit in.) Kimye's shoot was styled by Carine Roitfeld and shot by Karl Lagerfeld, which is actually slightly ironic given the young Jenner's bestie status with the designer. We'll read far too deep into that non-conflict later, but for now we must admit that nobody can out-famous King Karl.
Winner: Kimye

Fashion Credits: 
This is obviously all about judging the clothes. That was, after all, the purview of fashion magazines in a long-ago time (approximately 1995). Kendall wears all the big names: Proenza, Louis, Galliano, Valentino, Oscar, Ralph. Her outfits are a veritable who's who of old white men with sketches. Kim did much of the same, donning items like overcoats by Chanel and Valentino, while Kanye wore...his own clothing. Seriously, he just pulled some stuff out of his own closet—Yeezy, naturally, but does he own anything else at this point? This would seem an instant requirement for a must-win, until we realized that during one of her shots, Kendall wears giant fly-fishing waders. Giant fly-fishing waders that appear to be designed by John Galliano. Game, set, outdoor recreation match.
Winner: Kendall

read
Kim Kardashian Gets Candid About Raising Her Kids in the Spotlight, Feminism and Those Nude Selfies

The Set:
September issues are notoriously big-budget productions—we trust you've all seen the aptly-named Vogue documentary on the topic. No location is too expensive, no English farm too rural, no herd of baby goats too difficult to corral. The public goes into these fashion spreads with their anticipation as high as the model's hair, and Vogue served it up in true fashion. Kendall was seemingly photographed in a picturesque field of wildflowers, in a luxurious Parisian (or at least Parisian-looking) apartment decked out in gilded gold, and a gritty brick-walled alley. You know, for authenticity. Kimye, meanwhile, laid on a bed and took selfies. Do as you know, a wise man probably once said. 
Winner: Kimye

Tasteful Nudity:
This is Vogue and Harper's Bazaar, so it's, like, totally cool to show your nipples. In fact, we would think it low-brow to not need a sensor bar. Kendall serves this up ever-so-slightly, lounging on a velvet couch in a sheer (very sheer) Valentino dress, complete with strategically-placed (very strategically-placed) butterfly decals in an interior shot, and going jacket-no-undershirt on the cover. Neither Kim nor Kanye shows any skin at all—they're actually wearing layers; do they think this is a fall issue or something?—and thus they are immediately disqualified from this round.
Winner: Kendall

Smizing:
It looks like we need a tiebreaker, people. And what better contest to use for our final round than a smizing contest? The skill is only the cornerstone of modern modeling. Of course, this is a little bit better in theory than in practice, seeing as Kanye prefers not so smile at all, whether with his mouth or his eyes. We're going to respect his wishes and keep him out of this one, by which we have to go immediately to the fact that Kendall is doing the fabled, previously-thought-to-be-impossible one-eyed smize. That's why they pay you the big bucks, girl.
Winner: Kendall