Confession: I have never purposefully watched an episode of CSI. Or any of its spinoffs.
Sure, I've never watched the CBS show, but when it was announced that the series would be ending after 15 seasons, I was kind of shocked. I just figured, like cockroaches, Degrassi, and the ghost of Tupac, that procedurals would outlive us all. They have an undeniably loyal audience: my dad, my uncles, the ladies at my nail salon who play reruns all day and get mad if you ask if they can change the channel to the football game.
So I decided why not show up late to the party and watch CSI's series finale on Sunday night. I didn't Google any info or check out the Wikipage dedicated to the show, so I was going in blind. Here were my thoughts (Disclaimer: I had two beers while watching Sunday Night Football prior to watching...and then opened a bottle of wine to watch because YOWCSIO [You Only Watch CSI Once]):
1. Holy s--t, this show is set in Las Vegas. I never knew that. I could've sworn there was a CSI: Las Vegas.
2. Ted Danson is a fox. Like, super-fox. He makes me happy...and reminds me of staying up late when I was younger to watch Cheers reruns on Nick at Nite, when it was the late-night programming block on Nickelodeon. I remember being super mad when they replaced The Brady Bunch with it, but I came around.
3. "Vegas is terrified." Three minutes in and this s--t is real.
3. "Looks like somebody jumped a shark!" Quite a cheeky intro to Willie Petersen! I kind of know who he is, and that the Internet ships his character with Marg Helgenberger's character, so I hope they end up together.
4. OMG, they killed Romina, the mom who was selling cigars at the casino?! And then showed the tattered pic of her children that she kept in her cigar box (?!). Cold-blooded. Thinking of you Helena and Maria (her daughters).
5. Was that a severed foot?!
6. Sarah and Catherine, are they frenemies? I feel tension? I feel history? Tempted to Google, but that feels like cheating.
7. Is Petersen, like, a super-genius a la Vincent D'Onofrio on Law & Order: Criminal Intent? I like the way he speaks, like he's constantly talking down to everyone.
8. "CSI at sea"...not a bad spinoff idea.
9. Weird aside: I loved Elisabeth Harnois' terrible Fox show Point Pleasant. So I hope she makes it out of this alive. (Note to self: Check to see if Point Pleasant is streaming anywhere.)
10. An Internet search for "LHK" somehow leads to MELINDA CLARKE AKA JULIE COOPER. But I think she may be a woman of the night? Her name is Lady Heather. Oh, she's a sex therapist who had a thing with Gil. Hm...
11. Wait, Sarah and Petersen were MARRIED?! Is that why there was tension with her and Marg's character?! Love it.
12. Petersen has a super-dated phone and I love it. Why can't people on TV have iPhones?
13. Cool opening credits. But I haven't seen half of the people featured in it in the actual ep yet. And I've met A LOT of characters. Wine needed.
14. Sarah and Gil's (I'll call him that from now on, not Petersen) first encounter. Tension's so thick you can cut it with a shark fin. Ted Danson also meets him for the first time and I had no idea there wasn't ever any crossover with them.
15. Thanks for all the exposition, Sarah. Caught up on their relationship drama. "Seeing you again left me a little speechless," is a pretty good line.
16. Lady Heather is missing! Which is a shame because she's got a really cool house that looks like it should be a witch's home in New England in a movie aka my dream house.
17. OK, they are examining the body and it's disgusting and it's why I can't watch these kind of shows.
18. Are red rooms a thing? Or did 50 Shades of Grey make them a thing? Or did CSI make them a thing? Is 50 Shades of Grey really a Twilight-CSI crossover fan-fic?
19. Whoa, Gil's mind has better special effects than Minority Report. And Heroes Reborn.
20. Gil is making a bomb while wearing a straw hat. This show is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
21. Another earpiece bomb (worn by uNREAL's Faith)! This is subliminal messaging, right? Like in the seminal classic Josie and the Pussycats?
22. "I'm here for Lady Heather," Faith says...then BOOM. OK, this is a set-up. Justice for Lady Heather!
23. Gil knows a lot about S&M. I need to look up his relationship with Lady Heather later. His safe word, "Stop," is supes-boring though. Shouldn't it be, like, pineapple, or something?
24. They brought in Romina's kids?! Torture. They need to bring this a--hole down STAT. And maybe Catherine should adopt them.
25. Drug-laced flowers? See, this is why I never accept flowers. (That and because I never actually get sent them, but whatever. Back off.)
26. Prediction: One of the team members will be drugged and ear-pieced and will almost blow everyone else up!
27. RIP Lady Heather! I didn't know you, but I loved you. Julie Cooper 4eva!
28. TWIST: She's aliive and looking fiiine. I think I ship her and Gil?
29. There's not enough Ted Danson in this episode for me. Such a mega-babe.
30. Love seeing Melinda put her Nikita fighting skills to good use. Get. It. Gurl.
31. Oh, so I guess Catherine and Gil were NOT a thing? So my Gil shipping order currently is 1. Lady Heather. 2. Catherine. 3. Sarah. Sorry, not sorry.
32. Sarah getting the swabs from the suspects' mouths is the most I've liked her.
33. This robot thing reminds me of Wall-E so this bomb better not go off. Oh wait, no. It's a gross body in the luggage. And I'm gagging. Wine, take the wheel!
34. Catherine and Gil scene! "My vagina!" That is the best line of this episode. But who is Lindsey's dad? Is this a mystery on the show? Or do people know? Is it not a thing?
35. Sarah still loves Gil. Lady Heather doesn't love Gil. I guess I have to update my ranking. Sigh.
36. I like Gil's evidence-dusting rhymes. But knowing those numbers were for latitude and longitude was not THAT clever. Let's all calm down.
37. Ha, Gil is reprimanding the bees. He's a wonderful weirdo. Sarah interrupts and they have A MOMENT.
38. And Gil's wearing another hilarious hat, albeit this is for bee-keeping. And Sarah is wearing one, too. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. Also, how are bees now an integral part of this case? I'm confused.
39. What kind of idiot uses his fingerprint to conceal his face? I'm no criminal mastermind but amateur move! This is the series finale, villain, step your game up.
40. Are there always this many bombs on CSI? So many bombs, so little time.
41. The villain totally looks like a villain. And did all of this to come face-to-face with Gil. Hello, silly villain, you could've just tried poaching sharks!
42. "I love you guys." Catherine, Harnois and other dude are giving me anxiety with these damn bombs!
43. Ugh, of course Gil made this about whales. What even.
44. "I'm not one for big goodbyes. Cake, candles and hullabaloo." And Silver Fox Danson is off to CSI: Cyber, folks!
45. OMG, Catherine is coming back to Vegas for those little girls. Saint Catherine!
46. "Vegas is lucky to have you." "The oceans are lucky to have you." Deep. "I hope you find what you are looking for out there!" BUT HE'S ALREADY FOUND IT.
47. Gil and Lady Heather have quite the goodbye. Why he loves Sarah? "She helped me with my crossword puzzles." True love right there, people. But he says he's going to miss her for the rest of his life. Or you could just be together? Why do you need to be such a drama queen, you can be with her!
48. Sarah went to him! I love that they chose not to have the actors say anything. So much more powerful with no words.
49. And then they rode off into the sunset.
Well, that was quite a ride. Thanks for indulging my first-ever viewing of CSI...but I probably won't watch another episode ever again. Come on, I know how it all ends.