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Bachelor in Paradise

ABC

Buh bye, almost everybody! 

After realizing that anyone who was still single was s--t outta luck with so few days left in Paradise, literally half the cast jumped ship tonight ahead of tomorrow night's finale. 

First, we lost Juelia when Mikey broke up with her. She cried and cried, but he actually did it very respectfully, in probably the best way he possibly could. Then, he continued to stick around, which was weird, and less respectfully, while she took off. 

Then, after their apparently uneventful fantasy suite date, Jared broke up with Ashley I and went home on his own. She handled it with all the tears that you would expect from Ashley I, but also with a bit of perspective that made us think maybe she'll be OK. She managed to admit she wasn't totally in love with him, and that now, she just knows what she's looking for in a guy. Good luck to you, Ashley, and we'd wish Jared luck too, but he clearly doesn't need it. No matter what he does, that guy still comes off looking like the gentleman we never noticed during Kaitlyn's season. 

Bachelor in Paradise

ABC

Ashley then left before the rose ceremony even started, and managed to do it with some dignity while also making us wonder when exactly she "grew up" in Paradise

Dan then decided to give his rose to no one and head home, and then Mikey made a last ditch effort to give a rose to Mackenzie. She said a polite no thanks before she left, and Mikey soon followed. He was soon joined by Amber, Jaclyn, Chelsie, and our fave, Ashley S. 

There were just five couples left standing after the rose ceremony, but not for long. 

Yep, we thought we'd have to wait for tomorrow night's episode to see the "most brutal break up in Bachelor in Paradise history," but instead we got it tonight! Yay? No. It was sad and horrible, because we love Carly, and watching Kirk drop a bomb on her after weeks of relationship bliss (except for that one time he almost broke up with her and then changed his mind) was truly terrible.  

It wasn't even like he said anything that was actually offensive, but it was all about the fact that he waited until now to say anything about having doubts, while Carly was basking in happiness and naming their future kids. 

Pretty much everyone in Paradise was crying as if they too had been broken up with at the worst possible time, and we genuinely felt bad for both Carly and Kirk, except not as much for Kirk. Poor guy didn't get to articulate any more of the ways in which he "wasn't feeling it," because Carly was too deservedly livid to let him speak. 

Of the four couples that are left, one involves Sam, and we can't see that lasting. Another involves Cassandra and Justin, who only just met and hit it off (because they both have a kid) in this episode, so who even knows what will happen with that, and who even cares? At this point, we couldn't care less about the new people. 

We have a hunch that Tanner and Jade are inseparable, and we kind of hope Tenley and Joshua are as well, even if only because we want something good to work out for Tenley. We need some bright spots in this harsh, cruel world full of dumbos. 

Tune into ABC tomorrow night at 9 p.m. to find out who gets engaged after dating on a beach for a laughably short amount of time!