Christmas comes but once a year, unless you're a Soup fan. Starting the second you read this—and continuing until the human race is extinguished by the horror of its own poetic beauty (or cow farts)—you shall be enjoying a weekly gift of Condensed Soup! Which is exactly like Christmas, minus the profound lie of Santa. Sorry kids.

In our virgin edition, see Sean Young swill red wine while slurring out her personal philosophy that's kept her star status strong and holding somewhere beneath Steve Guttenberg. Check in with Dr. Rey, who has crucial information on Mr. Happy. And hear Joel drop the F-bomb. Holy s**t!