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Mackenzie Phillips

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

We've decided we hate the beginning of the day as much as Mondays, so, heretofore, we're getting pissed off every damn ayem, so good morning and ef you! Kidding, love you, don't mean it!

Ah, see the kind of crank-a-thon moods those stupidasses Mackenzie Phillips and Matthew McConaughey's mom, Kay, are putting us in? Really, the crap they're respectively pulling—reportedly walking through an airport security check with heroin and coke, and writing about how the daddy of your son passed on while diddling you—make Tatum O'Neal's line about how she bought crack for a movie part seem downright genius.

First of all, I knew something was up with Phillips when we did a stage reading of Valley of the Dolls (she played Miriam Polar, I played some queen named Ted Casablanca). Not only did Phillips fall down onstage, trample everyone's lines and forget her own, she couldn't wait to leave so she could haul ass across the country to go hook up with some twentysomething. Sounds hot, but it wasn't. It was sad.

Almost as tragic is a celeb's mom writing about how she was screwing the dad of said celeb (without whom, by the by, she wouldn't have a book deal in the first place, as who cares what stage moms like Lynne Spears have to say about their otherwise designing, opportunistic lives, anyway?). So, do we really need to know it was coitus interruptus rigor mortis for Matthew's dad?

And if we do, shouldn't some creep like me be delivering that nasty biz? I mean, I broke that drunk-off-his-butt stuff M.M. just pulled down in Nicaragua. Kinda makes sense now, doesn't it, that Matty was friggin' celebrating the fact that he was caught down there with his toes toasted? His own mother uses her husband's sensational passing for a book deal.

And these famous folks say we're heathens? Gimme an effin' break.