• Share
  • Tweet
  • Share
Michael Jackson, Madonna

Getty Images, Flynetonline.com

It’s Michael Jackson’s big 5-0 this Friday, and we’re wondering what on earth to get the guy who has everything—besides a career, a good rep, a working schnoz and enough moola to keep Neverland Ranch open for business. We hope his legion of lawyers sends over a birthday bouquet, because they sure can afford it after all the cash they’ve made off their client over the last few decades.

M.J.’s big day comes right after another iconic pop star, Madonna, entered her golden years looking buff and bangin’, about to embark on another sold-out world tour. And right on the cusp of that alleged A-Rod romance! Madge still gets tangled up with would-be-lover rumors, 'cause people totally believe this sex siren can get all the guys drooling, even while turning 50.

Sorry, can’t say the same for Jacko—M.J. looked 50 (if not older) at least five records ago, so what’s the point in a throwing a party? Let’s just celebrate the fact the dude’s made it through an abusive childhood, being set on fire, an infinite amount of plastic surgery, even more trials and being married to Lisa Marie Presley—and he’s still kickin’.

That’s more drama than most people could handle in a lifetime, let alone just 50 years. We think it’ll be another half century before plastic surgery gets advanced enough to make him appear human again. In the meantime, Mike, can we gift ya another mask?

Oh, by the legal by, just checked in with the Los Angeles district attorney’s office. I thought maybe, just maybe, they’d have a little prezzie for you, like, perhaps another molestation charge or damning deposition (I’ve read plenty of them, trust). But alas, nope. The pissy legal eagles said no new M.J. kiddie trials or cases were currently on the calendar. Maybe for your 51st, darling?

—With additional English-screwin’ reporting by Becky Bain.