Jessica Biel, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson

Pacificcoastnews.com, Dan Herrick/ZUMAPress.com, Eric Charbonneau/Getty Images

If you know Lou at all, you know he gets around. When it comes to Hollywood, there isn't a hydrant he hasn’t sniffed, an after-hours kennel he can’t get into or a well-heeled celebrity leg he hasn’t humped. The Soup Blog recently caught up with the notorious Chihuahua poolside at Joel’s estate while he sucked on a cocktail and nibbled an imported pig’s ear to get his frank opinions on the female canines of Tinsel Town.

Jessica Simpson’s Daisy: Oh man! Don’t get me started on this bitch! [Pause as laughter and head shaking dissolves into coughing.] Listen, seriously, Daisy is a great kid, for a Malitpoo, but these poodle hybrids can really be a handful. I took her down to TJ for the weekend once. She let me shave her down and I got her a tramp stamp right above that sweet tail. What does it say? Ha! You’ll never see it, amigo. She doesn’t shed.

Jessic Biel’s Tina: I don’t know why, but brindles really sauce my cauliflower. And talk about a beautiful animal—she takes after mommy! Pit bulls get a bad rap, and Tina’s proof. This bitch has a gentle touch, believe me, but she knows how to growl dirty when she has to. And she sure can fill out a choke collar.

Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell: This bitch is so cold she should get a job as a cadaver dog! Sure, we had a thing a while back, I’ve never denied it. Tink says she's pedigreed, but trust me, she's got more weird genes than they got at a Mexican outlet mall. She wanted some obedience training and I gave it to her, but she’s just too weird, man. Into kinky stuff. I caught her eating cat poo one night, straight from the litter box! But then look who she calls master. I rest my case. Tell you what, let’s go get a steak.

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