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Christian Bale

Mike Marsland/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You're an idiot.

Dear Sip:
With a name like yours, that’s a pretty rich statement.

Dear Ted:
A lot of your loyal fans are hating on the new format—and to be honest, I can understand how they feel, but you would have to do a lot worse for me to turn away from your column. And why is my new favorite hottie Christian Bale not winning points with you?

Dear Save the Bat:
On the contrary, my dear, I heart C.B.—talent and mattress wise. Just think he’s gotta work through those inner emotions, that’s all. Like you all need to do with my friggin’ yellow, which is here to stay.

Dear Ted:
Please don't be like Toothy himself when asked a tough question. Just give a simple answer. A yes or no will do. No beating around the bush or skirting the issue. Is there a Baby Tile?
Tom, Mt. Laurel

Dear Gay Shooter:

Dear Ted:
First, the soccer player and now Brody's friend? Something is telling me that Miss Paris is messing around and doesn't want Benji to find out. Also, have you noticed that every time there's a breakup rumor she runs to Benji and stages a photo op or goes to her blog to say how much she's "in love" with him over and over. Come on, Ted, where's the real dirt?
—Chris, Texas

Dear Duh:
Written on the bathroom wall, natch.

Dear Ted:
I just heard about Chris Kattan filing for divorce after eight weeks—another long-term celebrity marriage bites the dust. What is it with these folks? By the by, could he be Crotch Uh-Lastic?

Dear Nomance:
Crotch would be so offended! Kattan is much less talented and doable than our swim bud.

Dear Ted:
I'm from Latvia. It`s wonderful if you know my country, but I wanted to ask about one thing. Yesterday I ended watching TV show Gossip Girl. You probably know it. So I wanted to ask is there any Internet pages where there is something like that? I mean, something like people relationships, scandals and chats which we can talk about?

Dear G.G. Hooked:
For starters, there’s Watch With Kristin for what Chace is doing in front of the camera—the Awful Truth, for behind.

Dear Ted:
The Awful Truth used to be my morning indulgence into the snarky world of the famous and infamous. Now...The yellow is obnoxious as hell, especially if you're not a morning person. The format sucks, and half the postings were there yesterday. Call me jaded but I don't give a crap about other people's opinions. I suppose I will continue checking in every week or two for five minutes, but I can't seem to tolerate more than that. However, the day you start letting Mark McGrath write the articles, I'm out!
—Jinx Thomas, Austin, Texas

Dear Only Hers Counts:
Suri’s taking over, for now.

—With additional English-effin’ reporting by Taryn Ryder