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Michael Phelps, Gwen Stefani

Chris Ivin/Getty Images; Dan Herrick-KPA/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Gwen Stefani
has got to be kidding. Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. Is this a weird joke? Zuma is a game I play on the computer. Someone had to be doing major drugs when they came up with this name.
—Momma Kris

Dear Rock-a-bye Babe:
I dunno, would you rather: Zuma or Tallulah? Love the "Rock Rossdale."

Dear Ted:
Oh Great Poo-Bah of Hollywood Hype, could you please tell me why I receive your column a day late? I know we are three hours ahead of the west coast, but before "the change" (which I love by the way...yellow makes me feel good) the column always appeared on the right day! Help? Also, I have noticed lately that Giuliana hasn't been wearing her wedding ring...please say that everything is OK with that beautiful couple!
—E Cramer

Dear E!-Fused:
Just give us a little time to wake up out here in Cali. We stay up too late watching The Hills reruns. And that bitch Giuliana wouldn't budge last I asked 'bout the missing ring, so you're on your own there, cupcake.

Dear Ted:
Hope married life is treating you well...My hubby is being a royal pain in the ass the past couple of days. Anyhow, the old B.V. with Crisp Lisp is Ludacris! Am I close? Could we get an update on Crisp, or is he just chilling and laying low? Thanks for the guilty pleasure!
—Kristen, Houston

Dear Southern Hospitality:
We're all pains in the asses at some point, right? And sometimes in a de-lish, way, eh? As to Crisp, love, please, think less doable, by far.

Dear Ted:
What's with the new layout? I'm so confused. I miss looking forward to Friday, then the daily morning updates. There's too much to keep up with now.

Dear Can't Take It:
Just learn to click a few more times throughout the day, love-buns. Almost as much fun as waiting for Michael Phelps to tell us who's really stuffing his Speedo.

Dear Ted:
I have accepted that this new format is here to stay. But I have to tell you, not posting the B.V. on Friday mornings really sucks. Are you in cahoots with my employers to force me to work on Fridays now? It's a huge disappointment that I no longer have the opportunity to settle in with my bagel and get to snooping on Friday. Now I settle in with my bagel and stare at a spreadsheet. Please, go back to posting the Vice on Friday morning—it would mean so much to slackers everywhere! Love Truth, Lies & Ted—it's so nice to see your pretty face!

Since you said my old puss is pretty (hey, I'm easy, just like Brody Jenner), my techies and I will def try and get it up by Friday morning. Just for you.

—With additional English-effing reportage by Taryn Ryder