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Joel McHale, Mail Nurse

E! Network

Though Joel did recently become certified by the American Religion Association as a fully accredited, one-man religion, it’s not—at this point—going to be “one of those religions” that allows polygamy or any other big words. In fact, Joeltology ™ is loosely based around cocktails, secret handshakes and Joel’s futuristic, sci-fi book series, Beverly Hills: 90,210. He’s currently accepting applications from those interested in brainwashing and learning more.

From little_claudina: Hi, I have some nice photos of Tom Hanks in Rome, are you interested? Where can I send them?
As long as it’s Rome, Ga., which would fit right in with a new regular feature called The Soup Presents Tom Hanks in Georgia: Mason Dixon Mayhem.

From settinsweetie: My mom LOVES Joel’s joke about "dick bonerstein" so we wanted to inform you there is a gymnast in the Olympics named "Karen COCKBURN"!
It doesn’t really work, because “Karen” isn’t a euphemism for penis. But thanks for writing!

From zebrarock11: Hey! Did you guys see Wheel of Fortune on Thursday? Over Pat's left shoulder, on the wall, is a large copper object that clearly resembles, um, a phallus. And nobody seems to notice.
Clearly resembles? Why, that is a phallus, Zebra. Pat is well known for his voodoo practices, one of which involves keeping a dried human phallus suspended on a north-facing wall from a silver nail to ward off evil Polish spirits from Sajak's ancestral land. Sharp eye!

Ryan Seacrest

John Shearer/WireImage.com

From monicelmo_11: is it me or dose every time i see ryan on tv he gets smaller and smaller i think one day he should cral back to his tiny space ship and fly back home with the smurfs.
Why don’t you just stop dosing when you watch Ryan? As it says in the Soup cautionary drug pamphlet, Just Mumble Yes, acid and Seacrest don’t mix. A light rosé should keep both you and Ryan the proper size.

From robob22: Why is it that ever time I watch your show I pee my pants? I have tried going to the bathroom before the show and not drinking water until after the show but it always happens!!
We're no doctors, so the "why" part is a medical mystery, but here's some advice: Scotch Guard the couch, and let the laughter begin.

From mijitfoot: my friend jumped in the pool with his phone and i cant call him what do i do? i dont know what to do.
Why not take a deep breath, jump in the pool fully clothed and pry the phone from his lifeless, waterlogged corpse? Then climb out, stand there dripping and coughing, fall to your knees and raise your face and arms to the sky shouting, “Why! Oh God...why!” Then let the phone fall from your grasp, dropping to the ground in slow motion. Or, if he’s still alive, wait until he's finished swimming and then call him.

From mgallagher: My sister and I really love Joel, we deiced if we were ever to stalk someone in hollywood it would be him. Love, Megan and Kathy
Hey girls, that’s fantastic news, and congratulations on your decision. We know you have plenty of choices when it comes to picking out a celebrity to stalk, and we appreciate your nod to Joel. Sadly, you’ll be unable to actually stalk him, as the strict stalker quota is currently full.