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Britney Spears

Maciel-MBF/X17online.com

Dear Ted:
What's really up with Brit-Brit? I love her and really want a (genuine) comeback. However, this new leaf seems to have a hole in it—I just can't put my finger on it.
—Erin, Dayton, Ohio

Dear Oh My:
It's called desperation. Brit's got the talent, fer sure, just not the drive. She's doing this "comeback" for everybody but her. This latest career attempt, sadly, has everything, still, to do with K-Fed, mom, Justin and the rest of the sorry bunch.

Dear Ted:
Has Crotch Uh-Lastic ever invited Toothy Tile to swim in his pool? Have you ever used two different monikers for the same person?
—Peter, New York City

Dear Peter Patrol:
I believe no, and certainly not. That would be like double skinny-dipping!

Dear Ted:
It isn't a question, it's a comment. You have some incredibly racist people commenting on your picture boards. There are also the types that say incredibly inappropriate sexual comments. It isn't funny that you continue to let them act in this manner. Maybe it's time for the 30-plus crowd to stop reading your site and leave you to your teenagers and hateful idiots.
—Lilievans

Dear Mom:
Haters always welcome, racists never. We'll make sure the more intolerant freaks are banished, 'K?

Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile Sunday Rose Kidman Urban?
—Reggie

Dear Det. Diapers:
Nope, but great guess, babe. Just not with Keith, as he's, um, greased in every heterosexual sense of the word.

Dear Ted:
Dexter Lecter sounds like Reggie Bush to me. Could this be a University of SoCal slut?
—Bombay

Dear Young and Raunchy:
Actually, rather close, but wrong profession, doll-sausage. Think less sweaty, at least in front of the camera.

Dear Ted:
I dig the new layout. Change is good, and your writing is still as bitchy as ever. Not like you're losing any sleep over it, but people will come around. Also, is Crotch Uh-Lastic Adam Brody? The things that make me think this are (a) he's brooding and (b) he's more talented than Josh Hartnett.
—A.J., Ohio

Dear Another Midwesterner:
Nope. Think far, far more celebrated—just a little more talented. Right look, though, g-friend!

Dear Ted:
I came across your "column" as a result of a Google News search about the 40th anniversary of the Democratic Convention following Robert Kennedy's assassination. I assume the headline with "Bobby" in it was why it came up. Having read your confusing piece, I have no idea to what Bobby you are referring. Your English is so tortured that nearly all meaning is lost. It really exemplifies the worst clichés of Californian superficiality and Hollywood self-absorption. Unless your intended audience is merely your own colleagues, you should consider writing using full sentences and real words. I would also suggest real subjects, but I guess your beat is Hollywood.
—G, Washington

Dear Snot-Coaster:
It was Bobby, as in Robert Downey Jr. It was also so three decades ago to pull this West Coast-bashing crap. Grow up.

Dear Ted:
What do you make of the fact you are often more famous than your subjects?
—Anne, San Francisco

Dear Misinformed:
Thanks, sweetie-stuff, but I think you're confusing famous with infamous.

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