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Bret Michaels, David Cook

AP Photo/Gus Ruelas, FOX

Dear Ted:
Is David Cook the Dexter Lecter from this week's One Skanky 'n' Straight Blind Vice?
Kamila

Dear Cook Caper:
Thank gawd, no, we're happy we still have some respect for the Idolizer. D.L. is nowhere near as talented as D.C.—although this is reality we're talkin' about, does that narrow it down at all?

Dear Ted:
Is Dexter Lecter Bret Michaels? Ewww! Oh, by the way, the new format ain't so bad. Normally, your Blind Vices are kind of annoying (guess my brain just doesn't work that way), but this one got me.
—Guilty-Pleasure Girl

Dear Save Your Bret:
We don't doubt Bret has said his fair share of skanky sayings in his time, but this B.V. ain't him. Younger. Less tragic.

Dear Ted:
The column has picked up the pace—I am in heaven and relishing this goss. Burning question: Why are Brad and Angie lying about the fact that they got together on the set? Is it to protect Jennifer, or is it to protect their careers? And why did he go back to Jennifer until January and then back to Angie if the chemistry was so strong?
—Tami

Dear Brange-lie-a:
Maybe 'cause he wasn't cheating? Course, we mean physically—a mental affair's a whole diff ball game. Just ask Cynthia Rodriguez.

Dear Ted:
I have a hard time understanding your English. Are you American? I try and understand your "lingo" but can't! Do you write in this form because you want to confuse the reader, or because you write a bunch of s--t and want to confuse? I still read everyday and because of this, you win!
—Esther

Dear American Ream:
I'm a Texan by birth, hon, that's an über-American right there. And why write like everyone else when you can stand out of the boring blog crowd? Keep comin' back for more, you'll catch onto Tedspeak in no time, sweetie.

Dear Ted:
You really are a f--king asshole. I'm autistic with autism and what you wrote is way out of line, you f--king asshole. You may very well get sued and lose your job. I'm sending this to my local police dept and to the agencies as well to my attorney and your company.
—Anonymous

Dear Nice Try:
The police can't help you, they're far too busy classifying Lindsay Lohan's latest sexual dance. And sorry you were offended, truly.

Dear Ted:
Any chance for two of my favorite people to have cocktails and a chat? Jen Aniston and Gerard Butler? Can you expedite?
—Heidi

Dear Chance in 300:
Who am I, Aniston's agent? She can find out Ger-babe's info through him. Jenny should just bite the bullet and try Match.com. Or Facebook. Video dating? Gal's running out of options, ain't she?

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