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Heidi Montag

Brian Ach/WireImage.com

You know the dirty drill: It’s Monday, which means we get to be as pissy as all you are about our divine new color scheme. Let’s go.

Off-Key: Heidi Montag has a new song out. We’re pretty peeved no one’s stopped her yet. Guess they figure it helps ratings for the show? Also pissed The Hills starts a whole new season tonight, which means these people are going to be talked about more than they already are. Here included.

Off-Game: John Mayer told paps (on video, too) all about his breakup with Jen. The guy needs to STFU. Even saying nice things is probably more than Jen wants him to say about their relationship at this point. And, dude. At least pretend it was a fifty-fifty bustup, for the gal’s sake. Think your magnificent little—and smelly—ego could deign to help out the most famously dumped woman in the world, at least a friggin’ little bit? Guess not.

Off-Kilter: Ellen and Portia got married this weekend—very private ceremony—love it! But gotta get some hate in here, though, sorry: What’s with giving precious press pics and stories to a magazine (People) if you really want some intimacy for your supposedly most private moment in a lifetime? Guess everything’s up for sale in this town, certainly love. Don’t know why this surprises us, certainly shouldn’t.

Off-Rocker: Matthew McConaughey is a movie critic. Catch the guy’s MySpace film review of Tropic Thunder? You must. Really presh stuff. Here’s my fave line: “There are surprises all over this film, and just when you think you know where the movie's goin', another surprise entrance by some character or plot twist surprises you.” Yes, that’s what movies generally do, darling, except when you’re in them.