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Michael Phelps

Chris Irvin/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
This site is terrible. Not easy to read and looks like everyone else's. Your site always used to look more personal. Not anymore.

Dear Entitled:
Oh, this bitch is so six days ago.

Dear Ted:
You big ol' nasty horndog! Your Do-Me Meter is spot-on. Michael Phelps and Garrett Weber-Gale are so hot, and what I wouldn't give to see their "oh" faces. Crotch Uh-Lastic must be climbing the walls watching these buff boys.

Dear Swim Fan:
Maybe a little role-play action is next for Crotch 'n' crew.

Dear Ted:
I love your column, but this new format is whore-ibble! Please go back to your previous layout!

Dear Slut Cop:
Are you calling me a whore?

Dear Ted:
Good call on Michael Phelps. I have always thought he was supersexy in an animalistic kind of way. I think he might be greater than the he-ho Lance—and without the slutty attitude. Another sexy swimmer is Dara Torres. Hollywood should take a lesson from her: 41 years old, with a kid and one of the most beautiful bodies on the planet, which is also, shockingly, not bony. Angelina should take note of what motherhood ought to look like.
June, Montreal

Dear Not So Angelic:
But they both utilize they're kids so beautifully, to advance their careers—they're like sisters!

Dear Ted:
Ef the people who don't like your new format. It truly brightens up my eyes with delight and the lavender is très chic! Your new and improved Awful Truth is more delicious than ever. I scroll down with total anticipation for more and you sure do deliver the goods. Great writing, too. Bring it on, bro!

Dear Dudeski:
Thanks for the nice bitching break.

Dear Ted:
Still getting used to the blog but still lovin' the goss. I'm stumped by your new addition, Crotch Uh-Lastic. I'm hoping it's not my favorite hunk-a-licious Christian Bale. Everything you say makes me think of him—the S.O. suddenly appearing, the dark, brooding roles, artsy films, and he has gone for similar roles as Toothy Tile. Please say it ain't him.

Dear Cat Woman:
Poor old C.B. has enough drama in his life at the mo to be Crotch. Think slightly less fabulously paid.

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