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Ted Casablanca

E! Networks

Damn, folks, when your cozy li'l world is perturbed, you sure know how to scream in all caps about it. Who knew a little change—OK, we admit, a whole Oprah-size buttload of alterations, snips, cuts and hems—could cause such an uproar?

Hope you got all your hideous reactions typed out (the comments that are mere clicks away are just tastes of what’s seething out there, trust), so as to give us a mo' to bitch back, babes. But really, there’s bound to be technical difficulties galore. Most especially sorry about the Blind Vice archive, which my bitchy little techies are busy trying to mend. But ya think Ashlee Simpson waltzed out of her rhinoplasty without a few nicks ‘n’ bruises? A li'l patience and all our glossy new parts should be up and going in no time.

Plus, there’s more to yellow than ya think, besides it sure being an eye-grabber early in the morning. Many lovely things are hued this vibrant shade: bananas, bananas and bananas, for starters!

You can always pour yourself a classy glass of Aussie wine Yellowtail chardonnay (though we prefer lemonade ourselves). A yellow poppy means success, and a zinnia of the same color is for daily remembrance—too perf for a daily blolumn, as this missive has indeed become.

A yellow lily stands for (no joke, we did our research) false and gay—two things Toothy Tile sure knows a ton about. A yellow rose is the sign of friendship—and since we always considered our readers our closest of pals, keep commenting, cause friendships work both ways, dollfaces. We swear we can take whatever hate ya can dish out at us. In fact, the only truly wretched thing we can think of that’s yellow is Lindsay Lohan's fried-out hair.

Seriously LiLo, head back to red already.