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William Bratton, Lindsay Lohan

AP Photo/Albert L. Ortega

Round two of Lindsay Lohan versus LAPD police chief and respected “gaydar” expert William Bratton has officially begun, with Lohan’s bristling retort to the super cop’s statement that she’d “gone gay.” “Police chiefs shouldn't get involved in everyone else's business when it comes to their personal life. It's inappropriate,” snipped the star, whose constant companionship with DJ Samantha Ronson has sparked rumors of a lesbian relationship.

“How dare she question my gaydar,” demanded a miffed Bratton. “Ask anyone. I’ve got a nose for gay!” The high-ranking lawman is known for his uncanny ability to determine sexual identity, particularly among the Hollywood set. “Cynthia Nixon? Gay. Had her pegged from season one. Lance Bass? Gay. Knew it soon as I heard ‘I Want You Back.’ Dumbledore? Totally gay. I mean, how many times have I seen Harry Potter? You don’t get to be top cop here in Gay Town—I mean L.A.—without being able to sniff out who’s playing for the B team.”

“How do I do it?” continued Bratton. “Well, I hate to brag, but it’s just something I was born with. Plus, I do my homework. I listen to a lot of Indigo Girls, and I have Perez Hilton bookmarked. That bitch cracks me up,” chortled the homo handicapper. For Bratton, the Lohan question all adds up to another “case-closed” scenario: “I don’t care what she says,” stated the cocksure cop. “You don’t have to be hit over the head with a sapphic truncheon to see she’s 100 percent gay, gay, gay. She may not even know it yet—but I do.”