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Blind Vice lesbians

Dear Ted:
Has Lorin Sniffle-Puss ever worked with Toothy Tile? Is Lorin better known for work in tv or movies? Thanks!

Dear Sniffing Around:
Nope, Toothy and Lorin have not worked together. And I would say that Lorin is talented in more ways than one. Perhaps even more than Toothy?

Dear Ted:
Ok, I'll bite...what would Selena Gomez think of the Wilby Whiskers and Me-Me Dallas hookup?

Dear Disney Dluts:
I doubt she would be surprised at all. But why do you ask? Just because they are all part of young Hollywood doesn't mean Selena is besties with Wilby or Me-Me.

Dear Ted:
I think i figured it out!!!- Chelsea Handler for Butter Pussy??

Dear Cocky:
Hysterical guess B, truly. And after thinking about it that wasn't a terrible stab (pun intended) at all! But no, Butter isn't our girl Chels. Think more established.

Dear Ted:
The immorality in Hollywood really sickens me, Ted! This whole Veronica Bee-Stings thing has got me all fired up. So can you tell us if you feel sorry for the philandering hubby's wife in this whole scenario, or would you say that what you put out there eventually catches up to you in life? And because it is almost Christmas, I just know you want to be extra giving and let us know if said wife is also a celeb? Happy Holidays!

Dear Stung and Stung Again:
Of course I feel bad for the wife! There is no worse feeling in the world than being betrayed by those closest to you. But, hate to say it, don't think the Missus was all that shocked. Doubting V was the first girl to get some from her hubby, ya know? And yes, she's recognizable. Happy holidays!

Dear Ted:
Love love love your column—so please tell me and my adorable puppy Crook if Eric Bana is a somewhat close guess to Nelly Fang...?

Dear Bana-way:
Nope, not close. Think more tabloid fare. Hugs!

Dear Ted:
We Vice followers are all in the know about leading men like Toothy Tile and Topher Hairy-Tuchus who lead their double lives, their feet firmly planted in the closet. But what about the leading ladies? Are any A-list actresses deeply-closeted lesbians? Do they have beards?
Gabby Wants to Know

Dear No Discriminating Here:
Of course there are a few, but it is much more rare, you are correct. Most women in Hollywood have tried the girl-on-girl thing a time or two. But it's often—not always—for a man, (how typical) or because they are just super f—ed up.

Dear Ted:
Has Butter Pussy ever been nominated for an Academy Award?

Dear Golden Pussy:
She has been nominated for a very celebrated award, I'll say that much.

Dear Ted:
Who do you think will file for divorce first: Seymour Plow-e-ore or Fey Oiled-ush?

Dear Doubtful:
I don't see either divorcing anytime soon, M. An arrangement is an arrangement, after all. But, if you forced me to choose, I'd say Fey. Part of me is holding out hope that his woman still has half a brain left.

Dear Ted:
With all the drama that Mel Gibson has had this past year, it made me wonder, has he ever been a B.V.?
Amanda F., NYC

Dear Vintaged Vice:
Ages ago. His recent escapades aren't exactly being kept quiet, haven't you heard?

Dear Ted:
Do you think Veronica Bee-Stings has Oscar potential?

Dear Go For The Gold:
She strikes me as someone who would sleep around for the opportunity! And she certainly wouldn't be the first babe to do the casting couch routine and be nominated. Still, talent speaks for itself and she has a ways to go.

Dear Ted:
Please tell me you saw the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! That psycho—er, I mean psychic—was certifiably insane! Ok anyway, I have a question for you... Did Camille Grammer and Kelsey Grammer ever Vice it up? It sure as hell wouldn't surprise me.

Dear Real Real Housewives:
Camille is a bucket of crazy and Kelsey is a bucket of sleaze, that's for sure, but together those two did not Vice it up. They're more a let's publicly duke it out kinda couple.

Dear Ted:
I'm a huge fan of Colin Firth. He seems pretty normal—wife, kids, steady work, etc. Please tell me there are no Blind Vices on his resume! Kisses from my Yorkie Peanut!

Dear Good Taste:
Ugh, love Colin, you picked a good one! No Vice's on his resume. Kisses to you and Peanut!

Dear Ted:
Are Jackie Bouffant and Will Whiskers the same person?

Dear Trickery:
Certainly not!