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The pleasures were many on last night's American Idol closer, but along with the chuckle-laden roasting of departing Simon and a multitude of oldies acts coming to a county fair near you this summer, there was disappointment. At least in the Soup camp. While paint salesman Lee DeWyze—a lad with all the charm of a drowsy hamster—was somehow crowned the next Idol of these United States, the real Idol was robbed.

Of course, we're talking about Gen. Larry Platt:  

Ridiculous, you say? Think again, as we list the reasons our nation chose to ignore...

1. While anyone can look good complemented by major talent like Michael McDonald, Hall and Oates and Alanis Morissette, the general pulled off an electrifying showstopper with William Hung. Come on. 

2. Not only is the general a gifted, confident performer, but—unlike the Idol hacks who had to rely on other people's tired cover songs—he pulled off an original composition. With a message. "Pants on the Ground" indeed.

3. Of course, it should go without saying, but America should consider the man an Idol simply for his years of military service.

We rest our case.

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Catch up on the whereabouts of other Idol winners and also-rans.