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Jesse James, Chelsea Handler

GSI Media, E! Networks

Jesse James reportedly cried during a yet-to-be-aired interview with Nightline. This is his first time speaking out to the press since his affairs were revealed. I, for one, am sitting on the edge of my toilet for this interview to hit the airwaves. I don't know exactly what he has to cry about. I guess once he screwed over America's Sweetheart and we found out he was porking women with tattooed coslopi, he started to feel a little stupid. Then he realized the only reason anybody who wasn't a white supremacist liked him was because he was married to Sandra Bullock. Now he's gone and lost his wife and his new black baby, and all he has left is a motorcycle and some ink residue on his penis. Why so sad, girl?