America's anti-sweetheart made quite the splash this week, and if you didn't keep abreast of every poor life decision, bench warrant, flimsy excuse or court order that followed her over the last seven days, then congratulations, you have a life and well-placed priorities.
Which puts you one up on us and Lindsay Lohan, respectively.
That's right, Hurricane Lindsay blew through both Los Angeles and Cannes this week, and left pretty much everything she touched worse for wear. Let's sift through the wreckage together, shall we?
She started off the week strong, or at least strong-armed, hurling drinks at exes and then flying over to the Cannes Film Festival on an ultimately ill-advised trip to get photographed with what appeared to be cocaine tour luxury yachts promote her forthcoming porn star flick. Unfortunately, she also lost her passport, missed a court hearing, offered up one of the flimsiest excuses on record, had a bench warrant issued for her arrest, ponied up enough of her $100,000 bail to avoid arrest and got her court date rescheduled for Monday morning, for which her presence will most definitely be required. And she still managed to find time to hate on her dad! And party! That Lindsay. She always was a multitasker.
Up to speed? Good. Let's move on…
ROCKING ON: Bret Michaels had a brief hiccup in his road to recovery this week. After telling Oprah Winfrey all about how hard he was working and how his perspective on life had changed after suffering his brain hemorrhage, his newfound priorities were put to the test as he found himself back in the hospital. Doctors found a hole in his heart after he suffered what they described as a "warning stroke." He has since been discharged, is receiving outpatient care and is ready to appear as planned on Sunday night's live Celebrity Apprentice finale.
LOSING LOST: But good luck getting anyone to watch it. Most eyes, instead, will be glued to ABC as the series finale of the time-traveling, sideways-worlding, brain-teasing, logic-bending, Jacob-replacing series peaces out of prime-time. And just in case the airing of the penultimate episode wasn't enough for fans this week, our own TV Diva had exclusive videos to keep Lost withdrawals at bay. Will the finale satisfy fans? It better. Oh, and there was this. You're welcome.
FRESH START: It seemed like things couldn't get any worse for John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Then this week in a freak accident at a Maine airport, their two family dogs were tragically run down. However, things quickly and happily changed course for the duo, who announced that they were expecting another child together.
LESS THAN MEETS THE EYE: Speaking of babes (see what we did there?), the Transformers franchise found itself down one leading lady this week as Megan Fox and the blockbuster series parted ways. How and why they did so is less clear—did Michael Bay fire or did she quit? Either way, she has much more time to deal with her OCD, which has to be a good thing, right?
JAMESTOWN, POP. 1: Jesse James returned to the headlines this week after asking a judge to ban words like "Nazi," "cheater" and "mistress" from being used in his ongoing lawsuit from a clothing company, calling them "irrelevant" and "damaging" to the case. He also asked that Sandra Bullock and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee not be brought up, then went on to do just that in a preview of his highly anticipated Nightline interview. He also revealed he may be relocating to Austin, which just so happens to be one of the homebases of Bullock, who, wouldn't you know it, also stepped out with little Louis this week.
SASH TRASH: Whatever Donald Trump touches turns to gold scandal. A new Miss USA was crowned this week and while Rima Fakih's first taste of the limelight was positive (she's the first Arab-American to win the title!), that quickly changed (she's the latest in a long line of skanks to win the title!). Photos of her in what seemed to be a stripper contest emerged, and she returned to the airwaves to explain that she was simply helping a friend promote some female-empowerment classes in Detroit. In booty shorts. With a stripper pole.
OH, BABY: Amy Adams and fiancé Darren Le Gallo welcomed their first child, daughter Aviana Olea Le Gallo…Drew Lachey and Chris Daughtry also became proud papas this week…Gwen Stefani, Alicia Keys and Kelly Preston started a new round of bumpwatch…Julie Bowen showed off two different kinds of baby bumps…Pete and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz had a scare with their firstborn, after son Bronx was in a car accident with his nanny. Everyone was fine.
TWI-HARDER: This time, it was personal. Luckily, salarygate ended well this week as both Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz succeeded in boosting their Breaking Dawn paydays to $1.25 million apiece…Robert Pattinson chopped off his locks, which, trust us, was a much bigger deal than when Janet Jackson did it.
HIM, TOO: Bono underwent emergency spinal surgery this week after injuring himself during rehearsals for U2's upcoming tour. He'll return to Ireland to recuperate, and the tour has been indefinitely postponed.
CRIME DOESN'T PAY: Kate Moss was burgled…Former Food Network chef Juan-Carlos Cruz remains in police custody on $2 million after allegedly attempting to hire two homeless men to kill his wife. First punishment: get fat…
KEEPING IT REALITY: American Idol's down to two….Dancing With the Stars is down to three...Simon Cowell, meanwhile, is just kind of over this whole Idol thing.
CANNES-CANNES: Terrence Howard showed off his new wife…Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams showed that they're friends, and nothing more…And you'd better believe there were some hot fashions on show.
COUCH POTATOES: It was TV upfronts week! In case you couldn't tell... Daniel Dae Kim found a new gig…Smallville's gone…So's Ghost Whisperer…And FlashForward…Glee's not, though, and has some big surprises in store. Sadly, Matthew Morrison's abs aren't one of them…Hugh Laurie has a good idea about who should replace Simon Cowell…If Keri Russell and Will Arnett's new show is as funny as they are, we're in luck...There are some Office politics afoot thanks to Steve Carell's impending departure.
THIS AND THAT: Russell Brand has finally learned to keep it in his pants…Jonathan Rhys Meyers is back in rehab…Matt Lauer is not a cheater...Ashley Olsen had some in-flight drama…Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush got back together, but not like that…Kevin Costner just solved the oil spill catastrophe?...Britney Spears' people really need to check their sources. Really.