Jun Sato/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
Every time I see or read about Lady Gaga, I'm seriously confused as to why she's perceived to be such an "artist" or "visionary." First of all, she makes dance music, that's it. As a lifelong musician and songwriter, I can assure you: nothing about her music is complex, neither lyrically nor musically. Is it catchy? Why the hell do people think wearing a lobster hat makes you a performance artist? Imogen Heap wears quirky (but charming, in my opinion) outfits to awards shows and is widely criticized. But when Gaga wears a solar system dress "Oh, it's such art!" Secondly, how is her style really all that different from Madonna, or Grace Jones, or David Bowie? Is our society so starved for actual creativity that Gaga is the modern day benchmark?
—Laura
Dear Dissonant Note:
Don't think Gaga is trying to rip off Madonna or Bowie's look, she's the first to say they're some of her biggest role models. And I think L.G. is getting so big because everyone else is getting so boring. People just want to be entertained, ya know? And Lady Gaga is just that. That's why all these other pop chicks are stepping up their games.
Dear Ted:
Have Robert Pattinson, Alexander Skarsgård or Paul Wesley ever been a BV? Love those vamps! Thanks!
—Adrianna
Dear Vices That Bite:
Two out of three of those hunks star in their own—bet you can guess who, too.
Dear Ted:
Why hasn't anyone mentioned Nicole Kidman's awful boobs, they look like rocks. Lopsided ones. She's gone crazy on the face—we all know that—but looks like she's taking it way below the neck, too. What's going on with her?
—Vanessa
Dear Made of Plastic:
Lesser of two evils, I guess.
Dear Ted:
So I'm looking at these pictures of Ryan Gosling at the Cannes film festival, and the guy is frigging adorable. And he looks like he is fantastic with children. So I'm wondering, is there any girl on his radar?
—AMJ
Dear Prospects:
R.G. can get any girl he wants; he's that frigging good looking. But he's picky when it comes to the chicks he dates—he's not like any of the other bachelors boinking any babe that will have him. That's why he always ends up with the classy gals and not some wannabe top model. He'll see Michelle Williams more, if he's smart.
Dear Ted:
My family rescued 3 abandoned kitties while on vacation at the beach, including one starving from a fish hook caught in her mouth, so I hope you can answer this... Many people ask if many actors marry their beards, but my question is why? Plenty of people 'in the real world' date for years but never marry, so why are so many actors forced to take that step when the majority of fans don't know (or believe rumors) that they are gay? Thanks!
—SAP
Dear Sealed With A Kiss:
Any H'wood hunk can date a chick but that dude marries her, he must be straight, right? At least that's what these fellows want you to believe. Marriage makes it seem legit and the groom that much more hetero, so what's a couple lies (you know…those vows and whatnot) when you can get a huge image boost? And thanks so much for your rescue efforts!
Dear Ted:
Quick and simple question: has Charlize Theron ever been a Blind Vice star? (and yes, my dog was a stray!)
—JM
Dear Too Classy:
Nope.
Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Hilary Duff? Personally, since she dropped off the face of the earth a good few years ago, I really couldn't care less whether she's engaged or not. Her 15 minutes are up. Why is everyone so keen to jump back on the Hilary bandwagon just because it has a diamond ring now?
—Ailish
Dear Enough With Duff:
What are you talking about, Ailish? You didn't see Duff's star performance in the ABC Family hit Beauty and the Briefcase? What can I say: She's a sweet gal and a cutie to boot, of course she's going to have fans who want to see her succeed.
Dear Ted:
First off, great work with animals. I am also an animal lover and have taken in many over the years. I also am a foster home for pregnant dogs and cats living in shelters until the babies can be placed! I think Moisty is Danny DeVito?
—Nicole
Dear Wet Wisdom:
Probably the best guess so far, Nic. At least, attractiveness wise. But no.
Dear Ted:
It would appear that the promotion for Eclipse is going to be exactly like it was for New Moon with Kristen and Taylor going overseas while Robert is left out. Granted he is doing another movie, but my question is this. Why hasn't his agent worked out some sort of schedule where it gives Rob time to promote his movies equally while still allowing him to film? If he can't travel overseas, why can't they work around that and let Robert and Kristen do promo together for Eclipse in LA?
—Tammy
Dear Fan Fare:
Pretty sure R.Pattz doesn't mind too much having to skip the media circus that is the Eclipse world tour—might be why he's always so busy working. Likes the work, not so much the hoopla that comes with it. And hey—at least you've got Robsten in real life, just remember that when Summit is pushing Bella/Jacob down your throat.
Dear Ted:
Why is Jensen looking so bad since he got married and it doesn't look like it's from hot nights either? Also is Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag?
—Brandy
Dear Shhh:
Don't you know you're not supposed to mention those two around here? But despite your mistake, I'll let you know that Secretia and her hubby are definitely bigger stars in H'wood than those reality losers. Secretia would be furious at you if she knew you mixed the two up.
Dear Ted:
I'm probably the only AT fan that cares about this, but I'm wondering: Have any of the New Kids on the Block members been a Blind Vice? If not now, perhaps back in their days? Especially Jordan and Jonathan Knight. Thanks!
—Still a Blockhead
Dear Old-School:
Yes, one of them, and not the one you think (but for the same stuff you probably think).
________
For more of Ted's wit, head on over to our Bitch-Back! section.