Occasional fashion headwear aside, Lindsay Lohan doesn't look like Axl Rose.
But the actress-turned-cautionary tale sure thinks like the Guns N' Roses rocker. At least when it comes to theories of the conspiracy kind.
Just guess what Lohan thinks really happened to her missing passport.
The actress apparently did not elaborate, so we'd like to. We're currently imagining Michael Lohan placing a call to Jean Reno, or, more likely, an incredible Jean Reno simulation, and asking how much it would cost to make a certain document disappear.
We're further imagining the fake Jean Reno bumping into Lindsay Lohan at the airport in Cannes, asking for directions to the Eiffel Tower, and—voila!—walking away with the ultimate star souvenir.
For the big finish, we're seeing a distraught Lindsay Lohan stranded in France with no way of getting to court in time, and nothing but yacht parties to go to in the meantime, while, back in the states, Michael Lohan opens a Fed-Ex package, takes out his daughter's passport, and relishes in a puppet-master's job well done.
Michael Lohan himself totally ruined our little story, if not our potential screenplay deal. As he told E! News today: "It's absolutely ridiculous that Lindsay would even say something like that. I feel really bad that she would even pose something like that."
Oh, and another thing, Lindsay Lohan reportedly didn't report her passport as missing—or stolen—to French police.
This is all becoming about as clear as Chinese Democracy.