Did Michael Jordan, jealous of being replaced as the world's most famous athlete, cut the brakes on the Escalade? Did Jack Nicklaus, threatened by the potential loss of his most hallowed golfing record, pump truth serum into the nation's cocktail lounges?
Nah. Those are just crazy Tiger Woods conspiracy theories we made up, and are not to be confused for—ta-da!—the Top Five Sometimes-Crazy, Sometimes-Not Tiger Woods Conspiracy Theories We Did Not Make Up.
Let the countdown begin:
5. Fake Tiger did it!
Jim Pavoldi's unsolicited celebrity advice blog, You Should Have Run It by Me First, is giving Woods the tongue-in-cheek benefit of the doubt on at least one of the golfer's transgressions.
"Tiger, you're probably feeling like the wheels have already come off the cart here," the blog commiserates, "but when it comes to Mindy Lawson most men agree that you probably didn't do it."
A Woods lookalike—a Woods lookalike who trolls Orlando, and picks up women like some guys win majors—is discussed, although the item mainly makes its case with a big ol' photo of the lounging Lawson.
4. "Someone" did it!
"Just seems that things aren't always as they seem, and perhaps Tiger has made someone unhappy and they have it out for him," the African-American-news blog Ebony Report speculated back on Nov. 28, the day after Woods' car accident.
Not only did this item mine our headline territory first, it arguably predicted the parade of Woods' alleged women. After all, they, the alleged women, do have it out for him, don't they? (Or maybe they just have it out for themselves—and their corresponding bank accounts?)
3. We did it!
To be fair, this is a very poor summation of what sports columnist Jason Whitlock has been arguing very well online, and over the air. To try to be fairer, Whitlock is saying the media has charbroil-grilled Woods because Woods has frozen out the media, and suggesting that, where the general public is concerned, racial dynamics may be stoking the fire.
2. Follow the global warming!
Did you ever wonder why Woods is a hotter topic than the ramped-up war in Afghanistan? Well, then write your own conspiracy theory. This one, courtesy the Melchizedek Communique, is about why Woods is a hotter topic than Climategate. Before you speed-dial Rush Limbaugh, who's name-checked in the piece, scroll to the bottom: "The preceding story, above, is mostly bullsh--." (Sorry, Tiger. It might've been nice to blame everything on the KGB, huh?)
1. Tiger Woods didn't do it—because Tiger Woods doesn't exist!
This conspiracy theory, as floated by BadGolfer.com, was unveiled last year, and inspired by Woods' uncanny ability to be anything but a bad golfer. Assuming Woods really is a person, then he really ought to check this piece out. With his mother-in-law fainting, and his Gatorade deal fading, now may be the perfect time to just cop to being the world's biggest fraud.
Then maybe we can all just move on.