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Oh, friggin' merde, what the hell's Britney gone and done now? Well, goss friends, strip off your undies (it'll getcha in the right mood, fer sure) and find out, 'kay? Plus, Jamie-Lynn Sigler and sundry other celebs help E! go mean green!
Britney Spears

INFphoto.com

Britney, you online? You might wanna be, because it’s the Awful Truth team here, bitch.

Oh, whom are we kidding? We know you’re far too busy having your latest meltdown wherever and whenever, so forget it. But anyways, congrats! Early reviews for Blackout, your latest electronica slut diary, are te-riff! We love it, too!

Whitney Houston

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Which is why we were so disappointed to hear about the following: According to those who have been hired by Brit’s career makeover maven, Clive Davis (who’s also givin' troubled babe Whitney Houston a whole lotta blush-application lessons), Brit-Brit’s musical corporate watchers over at Sony, which owns the popped tart’s ass, currently, realize “a tour ain’t never gonna happen,” as Spears is so, how shall we say, indisposed? Yeah, let’s say that and be polite for once in our shameless lives.

So, all B.S. musical forces are now—we’re assured—geared toward getting some far better music videos out to help sell Blackout, Britney’s Taco Bell booby-brain being no help for press 'n' performances, natch. 'Course, anything after that “Gimme More” video, which looks like it was shot in Hannibal Lecter’s sex-play dungeon, would be an improvement.

CSI, Kevin Federline

Robert Voets/CBS

Picture it: A most hip 'n' glam production crew was set up to begin discussions with Kev’s ex. Dates, times and official big-comeback powwow location confirmed. Then, right before scheduled creative meeting time...ring, ring!
It’s Britney’s latest assistant saying her boss can’t make it the few lousy miles into town, and would they mind, terribly, coming out to Malibu for the meeting? They did, but said the opposite, see, as this is, after all, the infamous legend in the making that is Britney. So, the production types hauled out to the beach. Only to be greeted by the same assistant, only slightly sheepishly (but not really) delivering the following shocker: “Uh,” the Spears helper began, like she was eight, on Santa’s knee and beginning her very lengthy Christmas list. “Britney,” the Spears-ite continued, rather haltingly. “She’s not really feeling it today.”
Lynne Spears

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

And before the crew could even begin to drop their jaws in absolute disgust meets horror meets total ef you time, they heard yelling and screaming coming from an upstairs window. So, they all looked up. And even though they couldn’t see at whom she was aiming her tirade (Lynne or some poor schmuck from Malibu Wigs, is our guess), they could see Ms. Es clearly feeling something. Best part? The expletive-filled rantfest was not only panties free, on Britney’s part, it was everything free. You’d think that broad could pull down the friggin' shades, along with her career, huh?
The Soup, Joel Mchale, Biography
Forgive us, but you can’t spell green without E!, so it made sense that our very own network was a sponsor of the Environmental Media Awards. The accolades went down Wednesday night at the Ebell Theater and the hilarious Joel McHale from The Soup sparkle-sassed was hosting, he’s fab.
Ryan Seacrest

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Before the show, we asked the funnyman how he’d measure up to Ryan Seacrest, who emceed at the Emmys, in case you don’t remember.  “I’m gonna stack up much taller,” Joel quasi joked. “I’m sure I’ll be a lot less professional, though.” 
Michael Urie, Ana Ortiz

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

We also asked Joel what’s the one habit he can’t break that isn’t so environmentally friendly. "I still club a baby seal once in a while,” he deadpanned. Makin' a more eco-friendly splash on the green carpet were Ana Ortiz and Michael Urie, who arrived together on a Vespa. Being green and gorgeous isn’t always easy, though. Michael was sweatin' up a storm from the sticky temps, and Ana, in a short, ebony frock, was keeping her knees tightly clenched to avoid pulling a Britney while perched on the back of her wheels.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com

Jamie-Lynn Sigler was a presenter at our PC do, and she said she’s doing her part to save the planet. “I always turn off all the lights in whatever room I’m not using in my home,” she enthused, “and I wash my dishes myself instead of using the dishwasher. It’s ambitious, but it goes a long way.” Wow, not sure about you readers, but the way we wash dishes, the dishwasher seems much more efficient than scrubbing every pot and pan by hand. Props to Jamie-Lynn nonetheless, though!
Paris Hilton

Todd Williamson/WireImage.com

We also asked Jamie-Lynn what she’d take with her if she had to evacuate from home, as so many SoCal residents have done, due to the fires. “Aside from family and pets and everything, I’d grab a photo album because I love memories,” she answered. “I would grab a change of underwear and one other outfit, I guess.” How very Paris. And we’re so glad she’d remember to bring her skivvies, as so many Hollywood hons seem to have forgotten theirs lately.
Hillary Clinton

2007 Frank Micelotta/Courtesy LOGO

Former secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld had a little buffet dinner at his house in Washington last week. Supreme Dick Cheney was there, and our trusty Desk DeeCee pretty much lost its appetite, can’t say we’re surprised. Astonishingly, Hillary wasn’t served up as some sort of femme flambé for dessert (as the crucifying of the entire Clinton clan will—we are assured—become mission number one, should H get the Democratic nomination), but instead most Republican movers 'n' shakers were busy focusing on whom they see as best to carry their message next: Mitt Romney. Sorry, Rudy and Fred. Message from high-on circles, nothing more.
Dane Cook

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dane Cook has a brand-new Website dedicated to him, but it’s not exactly complimentary. The Internet offering declares a disease exists named after the comic: “Dane Cook's Disease, often referred to as 'DCD,' is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects the central nervous system. Those afflicted typically suffer from uncontrollable muscle spasms, wildly exaggerated movements and the need to relay long-winded stories with no punch line, yet still expect to receive a hearty laugh.”
Jessica Simpson

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

You laughing, Dane? Jeez, what’s next, jessicasimpsonstupidity.org? After all, isn’t that where Dane picked this stuff up in the first place?